FACE OF MADNESS

“Joker” Gunman Appears Dazed, Dissociated In First Courtroom Appearance

By Elizabeth C.

THE PUBLIC GOT ITS FIRST LIVE LOOK AT THE FORMER NEUROSCIENCE PH.D. STUDENT ACCUSED of donning a “Joker” persona and opening fire inside a Colorado movie theater, slaying 12 and injuring 58 more.

With his bright orange hair in disarray and his eyes appearing vacant, James E. Holmes appeared in the Arapahoe County courthouse to be advised of the murder charges pending against him.

A REAL DOWNER

Real Housewives Of New Jersey: ‘Dirty’ Is A Key Ingredient

By Karen Malmquist

JEALOUS MUCH?

Sunday’s Real Housewives of New Jersey has all the families getting ready for the soon-to-be ill-fated Napa road trip, and the wives get personal with each other over recipes. Teresa kicks off the episode by planning her new bellini line, and she slams queen and former New York Housewife Bethenny Frankel’s SkinnyGirl line, saying it tastes “dirty.”

RESCUE ME

Fans Of David Hasselhoff Promo Get Carried Away

By Elizabeth C.

WHO WILL SAVE THE HOFF?

After spending a decade saving others as the hero lifeguard on the TV series BAYWATCH, David Hasselhoff now needs a savior of his own. Or rather — 550 stolen cardboard cutouts of the actor do after fans of a Cumberland Farms advertising campaign got carried away.

The Northeastern U.S. convenience-store chain recently hired Hasselhoff as its spokesman and placed about 570 cutouts of him at stores promoting iced coffee. But all but 20 of the signs have reportedly been stolen.

SELLING YOUR SOUL

Bradley Cooper’s Upcoming The Words Explores What Price Fame?

By Elizabeth C.

HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO FOR SUCCESS? FOR WEALTH? FOR FAME?

Would you walk into a movie theater and open fire to grasp some distorted sense of glory? Would you sign up as character on a reality TV show and allow millions to watch you ‘”smush” on camera? Would you steal another person’s words if it promised you acclaim? Bradley Cooper’s upcoming movie The Words explores these very questions.

DARK NIGHT RISES

Gunman Kills 12, Injures 50 At Batman Midnight Premiere

By Elizabeth C.

A 24-YEAR-OLD WHITE MAN ENTERED A MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF Dark Knight Rises and opened fire on the crowd, killing 12 people and injuring at least 50 more.

Police have identified James Holmes as the suspect who burst into theater 9 inside the Century 16 theater in Aurora, Colo., threw two tear gas canisters and began shooting. He reportedlly was a Ph.D. student in neuroscience at the University of Colorado Denver Medical Campus but dropped out in June, according to news reports.

BOMBSHELL

Snooki & JWoww: One Penis For The Rest Of Your Life!

By Karen Malmquist

“THAT’S ONE PENIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!” Yes, we know, Vinny.

On Thursday’s Snooki & J-Woww the girls have invitged their Jersey Shore roommates over for dinner at their place, and Snooki’s getting ready to reveal that she’s knocked up.

This is supposed to be a nice, happy evening among reunited friends. What does it turn into? Just plain uncomfortable. Vinny comments on how Jionni can’t afford the engagement ring, and asks if she bought it. Everyone continues busting her balls, so naturally she doesn’t want to show them the pregnancy cake anymore. Besides, if they can’t handle Nicole getting married, how will they take the news that she’s going to be raising a child?

A MANY SPLINTERED THING

Love, Celebrity Style: Russell Brand, Tom Cruise On The Rebound & Snooki OKs Strippers For Jionni

By Elizabeth C.

AHH THE REBOUND — THE SAVING GRACE THAT FOLLOWS the crushing defeat of your last failed relationship. Today’s Love Celebrity explores two high-profile rebounders, Russell Brand and Tom Cruise, for whom love lost means new opportunities.

British funnyman Brand braved a phone call to Howard Stern’s voyeuristic Sirius/XM radio show on Wednesday and refused to badmouth ex-wife Katie Perry. He “loved her so much,” he said, that marriage seemed like the sensible thing to do.

Today’s Eye Candy: Harper Seven, Blue Ivy

By Elizabeth C.

IMAGINE THE TERRIBLE FORTUNE OF BEING BORN UGLY to a celebrity parent.

Could there be a worst fate for the offspring of a superstar? It’s hard enough growing up with a camera lens aimed squarely at you during every visit to the ice cream shop, every stroll through a pet store, every public temper tantrum. Worse still: to be ignored while your famous peers steal attention away from you.

Yet some kids have all the luck. To wit: the precious Harper Seven Beckham, darling daughter of British fashionistas David and Victoria Beckham, and Blue Ivy, button-nosed heir to hip hop’s reigning family Jay-Z & Beyonce Knowles.

STARS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!

New York Artist’s “Touched” Photos Evens Score Between Celebrities & Mortals

By Elizabeth C.

GENIUS DESCRIBES DANNY EVANS’ “touched” photographs that scrape the sheen off A-listers and transforms them into the hoi polloi. Hilarious is another; humbling is yet a third.

Evans’ photoshops the faces of celebrities onto ordinary mortals — in the process stripping the store-bought artifice and the surgically enhanced perfection from the likes of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston and Madonna.

He turns Lady Gaga into an eccentric aunt, Kiera Knightly into secretary and John Travolta into the creepy guy you spotted wandering down the alley.

The stunt is hugely gratifying to mere mortals who too often fall prey to double chins, bad skin, and worse fashion without the staff to perpetuate illusion.

NEWS IN SHORT

Whack Wednesday: Bus Driver Turns Into Superman, Aretha Franklin Gets No Respect & Teen Drug Felon Shows Corporate Promise

By Miz J

DID YOU SEE THIS VIDEO OF A KID falling out of a window and actually being caught?! And please, spare me your jaded meme cynicism. You have NOT seen this anywhere before — except maybe in those old Looney Tunes cartoons where Coyote tries (unsuccessfully) to catch the anvil he just launched in the air. Not the same, folks. Not the same.