NOT ROCKING FOR THE AGES

Bombshell: Katie Holmes Dumps Tom Cruise

By Elizabeth C.

GOSSIPS HAVE BEEN PREDICTING THE BREAKUP FOR YEARS, but the news still shocks: Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from A-list Scientologist Tom Cruise.

“This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family,” Holmes’ attorney Jonathan Wolfe tells People. “Katie’s primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter’s best interest.”

Never one to be outdone, Cruise had his spokesperson released a statement, too: “Kate has filed for divorce and Tom is deeply saddened and is concentrating on his three children. Please allow them their privacy.” The couple had not been seen together publicly since February’s Oscars. Now the big question: who will get custody of Suri, their 6-year-old daughter?

FIZZLE FO SHIZZLE

What Didn’t Happen: Rielle Hunter’s Tell-All Fails To Sizzle Onto Book Lists

By Elizabeth C.

RIELLE HUNTER’S TELL-ALL WHAT REALLY HAPPENED HAS see-sawed up and down Amazon’s list of bestselling books where it now sits at no. 123.

Hunter’s score-settling screed at one point reached no. 60 on Amazon’s list of Best Sellers, then reportedly dropped to no. 223 by June 26, according to Showbiz411.

MODERN FAIRYTALE

Beauty & The Beat Makes Light Of ‘Street’ Stereotypes

By Trisha B.

I AM NOT A FAN OF TALKING MIRRORS, TALKING FISH OR TALKING PENGUINS. But as a parent I saw a lot of Disney movies because, unfortunately, they won’t let little kids in alone.

Eventually I found a favorite: Beauty and the Beast. My daughter and I saw it least four times in the movie theater, 1,000 times on tape and twice in IMAX. So I was intrigued when a friend sent me a link to a video that was blowing up on Facebook — a parody of the movie’s opening scene titled “Beauty and the Beat.”

FUN ON HOLD

Snooki & J-Woww: Something’s Stinking Up The Joint

By Karen Malmquist

THIS WEEK ON SNOOKI & J-WOWW, aka the greatest show on television, Jenni is trying to stomach the news that Nicole is pregnant and engaged, while still trying to figure out why the new apartment smells like dog poop. Ahh, how lucky we are to have these two back on TV.

DEMOTION LEAKED IN MARCH

Ann Curry’s Demotion: Writing Was On The Wall Three Months Ago

By Elizabeth C.

NEARLY THREE MONTHS TO THE DAY THAT Gawker quoted inside NBC executives calling Ann Curry “hopeless” and “atrocious,” and contending that Matt Lauer “absolutely hates her,” the longtime news personality made a tearful goodbye from Today this morning.

BLIND TO THE OBVIOUS

Real Housewives Of Orange County: See No Evil Eye, Speak No Evil Eye

By Trisha B.

TONIGHT, LOVE IS BLIND, AND SO IS VICKI. Jim confronts Terry about calling Alexis a phony; Briana finds a friend in Tamra; and you won’t believe which guest gets a diamond!

NEWS IN SHORT

Whack Wednesday: Nora Ephron Dies (Twice), Oprah Loves Kim & Rod Blagojevich Is Bored

By Miz J

FOLLOWING A PREMATURELY RELEASED EUOLOGY by dear friend Liz Smith, screenwriter Nora Ephron, 71, actually did succumb to cancer, passing away early last evening. In case you are unfamiliar with Ephron’s impressive body of work, you can tune into any basic cable channel this week and gorge yourself on the Meg Ryan romcom marathons that will be playing on a loop in her honor.

DID SHE SIGN A PRENUP?

Credit: Joe Klamar/AFP/Getty

Why Does Kelly Preston Stay?

By Elizabeth C.

IS HE OR ISN’T HE?

Speculation over John Travolta’s sexuality has become a favorite pastime on the Internet, where netizens claim it’s an open secret in Hollywood that the actor likes the p.

A note to Marty Singer: you really need to find a new phrase to smear the masseurs coming forward for their piece of John.

THE ANTIDOTE TO HUBRIS

Rielle Hunter: Johnny Edwards’ ‘Perfect Storm’

By Elizabeth C.

SIX YEARS AFTER SHE SWOONED OVER MEETING “Johnny” Edwards in the flesh, it’s ever more clear that Rielle Hunter was the perfect storm to capsize the senator.

“We are a family, but as of the end of last week, John Edwards and I are no longer a couple,” Hunter said this morning on Good Morning America, six years after the two began a destructive affair that would ruins lives and careers. “For me, for my part in it, it’s because I’m no longer interested in hiding … hiding our relationship … not living out.”

The damage has long been done.

MEOW MEH

Henri Le Chat Noir Will Not Prance For Your Amusement

By Elizabeth C.

THE DIAGNOSIS: ENNUI. The prescription for cure: mockery.

Meet Henri Le Chat, smoldering disdainful star of the YouTube series Le Chat Noir. Henri lacks joie de vivre.