R.I.P.

Dick Clark Is Dead, But American Bandstand Lives On In Memories

By Linda Seccaspina

FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO I HEARD DICK CLARK HAS DIED, and so now has a little piece of me.

THE ‘IN’ CROWD

Rich Kids Win Again! HBO’s Girls Cast Is Spawn Of Glitterati

By Elizabeth C.

THE INTERNETS WERE AWASH TODAY WITH THE ABOVE GRAPHIC NEATLY DEPICTING HOW BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A FAMOUS PERSON is richly rewarding.

The promotional poster renames HBO’s new demographically-promising Girls as Nepotism and then makes its slam-dunk case:

TIME TO RELOAD?

Credit: Zap2It

Nicki Minaj Sounds Alarms In Strange Note To Fan Site

By Linda Seccaspina

IS NICKI MINAJ CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE? MediaTakeOut.com posted an email that the pop rapper sent to her peeps behind her fansite, Nickidaily.com.

SHE HAS A DREAM

Credit: Zap2It

Kim Kardashian Wants To Be Mayor Of ‘Armenian Town’

By Linda Seccaspina

KIM KARDASHIAN’S GOT A 5-YEAR-PLAN: TO RUN FOR MAYOR OF ‘Armenian town’, aka Glendale, California.

Kardashian announces her political ambitions as she’s driving through Dallas on an unaired clip of Khole & Lamar.

GREAT RADIO, BAD MOVE

Shut Up & Play The Guitar, Ted Nugent!

By Linda Seccaspina

I USED TO LOVE YOU, TED NUGENT!

Once upon a time, I used to go to your concerts and fight to the front row as I thought you were a great guitarist. I closed my eyes to your love of guns and hunting, and even years later, I still have an old framed picture of you on the wall.

Ted, what the hell are you thinking speaking like that about the President of the United States? Have you got some sort of Cat Scratch Fever?

SEEKING ANSWERS

Blacklisted? ABC, The Bachelor, Face Discrimination Lawsuit

By Linda Seccaspina

ONE HOT CLASS ACTION SUIT IS COMING UP, AND IT’S NOT A JILTED BACHELORETTE FILING IT!

Two African American males claim they sought to auditioned for the popular reality series The Bachelor at the Nashville Hotel but were quickly sidelined in the process.

TAKING A BITE OUT OF CRIME

Credit: International Business Tribune

He’s ‘Snackman,’ Fighting Crime One Pringle At A Time

By Linda Seccaspina

ARMED WITH NOTHING BUT A PACK OF PRINGLES AND SOME GUMMI BEARS, 24-year-old Charles Sonder halted a scuffle on a New York subway without even breaking from snacking.

VOICE IN THE WILDERNESS

Julian Assange’s World Tomorrow Aims For Fuller “Truth”

By Elizabeth C.

APOLOGIES TO JULIAN ASSANGE FOR HIGHLIGHTING HIS NEW TALK SHOW immediately following a post on speculative celebrity sex in a porta potty, but this is America after all. Audiences here wanted to be entertained first.

The “world’s chief whistleblower” debuted his new talk show today on RT and critics are already dissing him a “useful idiot” and the broadcast as a “letdown.”

LET’S ASK PEREZ

Credit: Seth Browarnik/Startraks

Did Gerald Butler Have Sex Inside A Coachella Porta Potty?

By Linda Seccaspina

YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING, RIGHT? Why would anyone think of having sex in a port-a-potty where thousands have gone before you?

But that’s the latest dirty gossip about Gerard Butler who was hanging with a mysterious brunette at the Coachella music festival in Indio, Calif.

SPOOKED

New Jersey House Is Haunted? I Believe It!

By Elizabeth C.

A NEW JERSEY COUPLE IS SUING THEIR LANDLORD CLAIMING THEIR THREE-BEDROOM RENTAL IS HAUNTED. One website carrying the story asks readers: “Do you believe the couple?”

Absolutely tootin’, I do!! Because I’ve experienced my own goosebump-inducing haunting, making it easier to believe Jose Chinchilla and Michele Callan’s claim that otherworldly spirits ran them from their Toms River, N.J. rental.