ALL TOO REAL

Lara Flynn Boyle Dares To Show Her Aging Face In Public

Linda Seccaspina

FORMER CULT CLASSIC TWIN PEAKS star Lara Flynn Boyle is catching headlines for all the wrong reasons.

A recent photo unkindly captures her wilted beauty and had wags speculating about just what happened to her face.

LOADED

Levi Johnston’s Wang Strikes Again!

By Elizabeth C.

SARAH PALIN’S ALMOST-SON-IN-LAW AND DADDY TO HER GRANDSON TRIPP has knocked up another single lady.

TMZ broke the news that Levi’s girlfriend of a year is three months along with Johnston’s second spawn. “The lucky woman is Sunny Oglesby, a 20-year-old school teacher from Wasilla, Alaska,” the tab reports.

STOOPID

Creepy Belvedere Vodka’s Rape Ad Goes Limp Fast

Linda Seccaspina

BELVEDERE VODKA released an appalling ad that not only turned date rape into a joke but also illegally used an unauthorized image from another video company.

Alicyn Packard, a voice-over actress in Los Angeles, is suing Belvedere and its parent company Moet Hennessy USA for emotional distress and using her image without acknowledgment and payment. The vodka ad depicted a man fondling Packard from behind while the tagline reads: “Unlike Some People, Belvedere Always Goes Down Smoothly.”

PART OF THE PROBLEM

Naomi Wolf Slams Katy Perry’s Part Of Me Video As Marine Propaganda — And She’s Right

By Elizabeth C.

FEMINIST AUTHOR NAOMI WOLF CALLS OUT KATY PERRY FOR TURNING HER LATEST MUSIC VIDEO INTO A PIECE OF PROPAGANDA FOR THE U.S. MILITARY.

Perry’s angry send-off to ex beau Russell Brand in Part Of Me depicts the popster impulsively becoming a U.S. Marine after catching her boyfriend kissing another girl.

“Have you all seen the Katy Perry Marines video?” Wolf wrote on Facebook Sunday. “It is a total piece of propaganda for the Marines … I really want to find out if she was paid by them for making it … It is truly shameful.”

NEW CLAIMS

Private Eye Alleges O.J.’s Son Killed Nicole Brown

Linda Seccaspina

A TEXAS PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR CLAIMS O.J.’S SON KILLED NICOLE BROWN AND FRIEND RON GOLDMAN.

In his new book (of course), William C. Dear believes that former football great O. J. Simpson is innocent of the murders he was acquitted of in 1995. The author of O.J. Is Innocent and I Can Prove It, accuses Simpson’s son Jason of killing his stepmother Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman on June 12, 1994.

UNARM THIS MAN

WTF: WalMart Guard Powertrips On Black Men Shooting Video Outside Store

By Elizabeth C.

A VIDEO UPLOADED ON YOUTUBE SHOWS AN OFF-DUTY COP abusing his authority and pulling a taser on two young black males.

The videotape, uploaded March 30, already has 240,000 hits and shows two teens videotaping outside a Walmart last Friday when a guard outside approaches them and asks for I.D.

A man off camera says, “Nobody has to show I.D., sir.”

“Yeah, you got to show I.D.,” the guard demands as he grabs or shoves the teenager who’s videotaping.

“You’re grabbing me?,” the videographer exclaims. “Are you serious? Calm down!”

REVISIONIST HISTORY

Woman Wants Winning Lottery Ticket Back From Homeless Man

Linda Seccaspina

A WOMAN BUYS A LOTTERY TICKET AND actually wins $1 million dollars. In her joy, Emily Leach of Mountain View, Calif. returns to the same store, buys an armload of scratcher tickets and hands one — along with a $100 bill — to a homeless man standing in line behind her.

Later, Leach returns to the store and finds out the homeless man’s ticket won $260,000. Oops, she didn’t mean to give that ticket aways after all.

POOPTASTIC’S HAPPENING

Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Beating A Dead Hypothetical Baby

By Karen Malmquist

IS IT ME OR DO THESE WOMEN APPEAR SMALLER EVERY WEEK AS THEY CONTINUE TO BICKER OVER whether Kim would or would not be willing to hold African black babies?

TIME ISN’T ON ANYBODY’S SIDE

Mad Men: The New Normal

By Miz J

WE OPEN ON LADIES GETTING EVEN.

And after a two-hour premiere with no Betty, we’re treated to the Ice Queen right away — being stuffed into a truly heinous purple, beaded paisley number by her kids. Instead of going with Henry to his Junior Leauge meeting, Betty decides to stay home, in her fuzzy robe, with some Poppycock…all of which spills over into the next day, when Pauline, Henry’s mother, comes by to give her a talking-to.