CATTY CONVERSATION

Anderson Cooper Compares Fat Cat To ‘Big Tub Of Jello’

By Elizabeth C.

POOR MEOW, TIPPING THE SCALE AT 37 pounds and being forced to succumb to the white heat of fame, all for our entertainment pleasure.

SEXY HAZING

Carder Ringleader Required Gang Orgies To Keep The Po Po Away

By Elizabeth C.

AN INDIAN MAN WHO RAN A credit card cloning ring required criminal partners to participate in orgies to keep the PoPo away.

Vikas Yadav would recruit partners for his electronic card cloning ring in sadomasochistic sex chat rooms, according to Athens-Clarke, Ga. police Detective Beverly Russell.

WHO’S DIABOLICAL?

Beyonce Answers Surrogate Rumors: You So Cray Cray!

By Elizabeth C.

THE NAGGING MYSTERY REALLY MAKES ME MISS Rupert Murdock’s wiretapping yellow journalists.

Here’s Beyonce in this week’s People deflating rumors that she used a surrogate to incubate her four-month-old daughter Blue Ivy:

“That was crazy. It wasn’t hurtful, it was just crazy. [I thought] ‘Where did they come up with this?’ “

HEAD IN THE TWITTER CLOUDS

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Goodbye Ashley, Hello Ashlee

By Karen Malmquist

IT’S STILL CALM BEFORE THE STORM, AND IT looks like a big one is headed for the Real Housewives of New Jersey. But before the nimbostratus clouds roll in, Ashley is freaking out about moving to Vegas with relatives. Eventually she makes it out of the house with Albie’s help. Now if only getting on the plane would be that easy for the reincarnated “Ashlee.” Cute, Ash. But like your new lips, no one’s buying it.

AT THE CODFISH BALL

Mad Men: Something’s Fishy

By Miz J

WE OPEN AT A BOYS’ SCHOOL, AND IT’S REVEALED THAT GLEN AND SALLY STILL TALK. Often. And as creepy as Glen can be, this still manages to make me smile.

ONE UGLY REALITY

Credit: GlobalAnimal

Hey Katy Perry, Here’s How The Real Military Prepares For War

By Elizabeth C.

HEY KATY PERRY, NEXT TIME YOU PITCH THE U.S. MARINES IN A MUSIC VIDEO, CONSIDER DEPICTING THE HORRIFIC CRUELTIES PERPETRATED ON ANIMALS to “simulate” battlefield wounds.

EYE-OPENING

Blind To The Irony: Chinese Company Sells ‘Helen Keller’ Sunglasses

By Linda Seccaspina

A CHINESE COMPANY HAS COME UP WITH A MARKETING CAMPAIGN THAT BOTH BAFFLES AND AMAZES THE WORLD: a line of sunglasses called “Helen Keller.”

The Wall Street Journal reports that the fashion company Xiamen Jinzhi is aware Keller was blind, but want to capitalize on her “philanthropist spirit.”

SELLING MILITARY SERVICE

The Pauly D Project: Happy Tools For The Military

By Karen Malmquist

WHO KNEW THE TROOPS LOVED HOUSE MUSIC? On Thursday’s Pauly D Project, Pauly gets invited to put on a show at a military base camp, and in a rare moment in Jersey Shore-related history, I did not feel bad about my television watching choices.

CAREENING OUT OF CONTROL

Tragedy Becomes Her: Nadya “Octomom” Suleman Facing Eviction

By Linda Seccaspina & Elizabeth C.

PERPETUAL SAD STORY NADYA “OCTOMOM” SULEMAN IS IN THE HEADLINES after her hairdresser allegedly reported her for child endangerment and squalor. On top of that, her bank is seeking to foreclose on her home.

WHAT GOES UP…

Credit: Andy Duann

Having A Bear Of A Time

Staff

TALK ABOUT BEING IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME.

We’re not talking about the bear who had the misfortune to wander up a tree near the University of Colorado campus near Boulder, Colo. early this morning. We’re taking about photographer Andy Duann of the student-run CU Independent, who snapped the tranquilized beast as he fell about 15 feet onto a matt staged below.