ASININE BICKERING

Charlie Sheen Delivers “Steaming Pile Of Ass” To Warner Bros. Demand

By Linda Seccaspina

CHARLIE SHEEN CAN SHED GODDESSES IN A BLINK but Warner Bros. still seems to have some sort of hold on him.

PLASTIC ROYALS

Royals Will & Kate To Be Immortalized As Barbie Dolls

YES, THEIR ROYAL SMILES ARE FAKE, BUT THIS TIME IT’S TO BE EXPECTED: MATTEL DEBUTS Prince William and his wife Catherine dressed in their 2011 wedding finery in plastic doll form.

CANINE COMPANIONSHIP

New TV Network Is Going To The Dogs, Literally

By Linda Seccaspina

HI! MY NAME IS ROMEO AND WHEN MY PARENTS ARE AT WORK they leave Nickelodeon on all day long for me and my sister Bella, the French bulldog. They have encouraged us many times to read books, but honestly the sound of voices from inside the TV make us feel like there is someone around the house.

This morning we heard that there’s going to be a new 24-channel station for us dogs out of San Diego called DOGTV. According to the spokesman, if we watch their channel we will be “confident, happy dogs who are less likely to develop stress, separation anxiety or other related problems.”

WHACK

Credit: Kevin Mazur/Getty

Cray Cray Chris Brown’s Twitter Tantrum Shows He’s Still Wrestling With Anger

By Miz J

CLASSY AS EVER, Chris Brown unwisely took to Twitter early this week to try to stand up to his “haters.”

Apparently, Brown is surprised that there are some people — many, actually — who think he didn’t deserve the second chance he received at Grammy to redeem himself after beating the crap out of Rihanna.

LET’S ASK BOBBI KRISTINA

Credit: Kevin Mazur/Getty

News Media Exclaims Whitney Houston Worth More Dead Than Alive

By Miz J

OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN. With Whitney’s passing, the media can’t help themselves but to speculate on her finances, state of mind, strained relationship with Bobby Brown and everything in between.

STROKING CUSTOMERS

Credit: Kyodo / Reuters

EVA Airlines Aims For Contented Kiddies With ‘Hello Kitty” Flights

By Linda Seccaspina

IN A DECISION AIMED AT “CAT-APULTING” IT TO THE TOP OF THE INDUSTRY, Taiwan-based EVA Airways has launched three new “Hello Kitty” jets this winter to celebrate its 20th Anniversary.

GIVE TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD

Fuck ‘Pink’: The Susan G. Komen For The Cure Doesn’t Deserve Women’s Support

By Jaime Groth-Searle

NOW THAT SUSAN G. KOMEN FOR THE CURE has revoked (and then reinstated) its funding for Planned Parenthood’s breast cancer prevention programs and screenings, we know exactly where Komen stands: knee-deep in political muck instead instead of on the front lines with women struggling to recuperate from breast cancer.

GOING SOUTH

Real Housewives Of Orange County: Lick It, Slam It, Suck It

By Trisha B.

TONIGHT, AT VICKI’S DINNER PARTY, Peggy will see Alexis for the first time in five months. Not since the reunion, where Alexis found out that Peggy had dated her husband Jim, and he shocked the room by calling Peggy a crazy stalker!! Will there be a confrontation? What else is a Housewife dinner party for?

IT’S A SIGN

Lunch & The ‘ Love’ Spud: A Valentine Story

By Linda Seccaspina

CRAVING A SWEET POTATO FOR LUNCH I THREW ONE IN THE OVEN AND FORGOT ABOUT IT FOR AN HOUR. When I finally pulled it out and cut it open, you could hear my screams all the way to Alaska. There, on the flowered plate, laid a steaming-hot potato in the shape of a perfect heart smiling back at me.

A WOMAN SCORNED

Katy Perry’s “Part Of Me” Anthem For Girls Done Wrong

By Linda Seccaspina

IF THERE WAS EVER A MOMENT OF SATISFACTION FOR THOSE DONE WRONG BY FORMER boyfriends or husbands, Katy Perry did us proud Sunday night.

Just four days after she signed off her divorce from from Russell Brand with a smiley face, Perry delivered Piece Of Me with heart and passion.