TANOREXIC

A Shock To The System: Jersey Shore Returns

By Karen Malmquist

OH, SEASIDE HEIGHTS. WE’VE MISSED YOU DEARLY.

After a drama-filled season in Florence, Italy, the Jersey Shore gang returns to where it all began. And instead of seeking comfort in their respective homes, the party animals waste no time heading to the shore house.

“Human Barbie” Turns 7-Year-Old Daughter Into Frankenstein: Promises Her Lipo & Implants

By Elizabeth C.

SHE’S CALLED THE “HUMAN BARBIE,” BUT SARAH BURGE proves more monstrous than human by giving her seven-year-old daughter a voucher for Christmas for future liposuction.

“She asks for surgery all the time,” Burge told the British tabloid “Closer of her daughter, Poppy.

Check out “Barbie To Get New Plastic Friends: The Kardashian Sisters!”

Dem Lovebirds Need Your Prayers: Mariah Tweets Nick’s In Hospital

Staff

DEM LOVEBIRDS NEED YOUR PRAYERS: Mrs. Nick Cannon has tweeted that her husband Nick is hospitalized for “mild kidney failure.”

The Glitter singer tweeted a a photo of herself laying beside Cannon in a hospital room in Aspen, Colo. where the fun-loving couple were vacationing. Word came late Wednesday that the host of America’s Got Talent was being transferred to a Los Angeles hospital.

PLASTIC FANTASTIC

Barbie To Get New Plastic Friends: The Kardashian Sisters!

By Elizabeth C.

MATTEL’S PRETERNATURALLY ENDOWED BARBIE IS GETTING NEW FAKE FRIENDS: US Weekly reports that the famous busty airheads will make their plasticity official when they are sold as Barbie’s new BFFS.

Read Human Barbie Turns 7-Year-Old Daughter Into Frankenstein: Promises Her Lipo & Implants.

The “Love Doctor” Weighs In On Katy Perry-Russell Brand Bustup

By Elizabeth C.

THE WEB THREW UP A COLLECTIVE SIGH WHEN NEWS BROKE THAT Katy Perry and Russell Brand were tossing in the towel on their 14-month marriage.

“I can’t believe Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting a divorce,” tweeted fan Votz Appening at@TeamDirection. “They were so perfect for one another. I no longer have hope.”

GEEK DREAM

iCon: Chinese Firm Molds Steve Jobs Into Creepy Action Figure

By Miz J

ATTENTION MAC FREAKS: still missing your leader, the inimitable Mr. Steve Jobs? Well, if you line up now, you can immortalize him with a Steve Jobs action figure replete with black turtleneck, Levi jeans, New Balance sneaks, glasses and three sets of hands.

Yet Another Sign The End Is Near? Rupert Murdoch Joins Twitter

By Miz J

HAPPY 2012, PEOPLE. Now that we’ve traded holiday decorations for Mayan calendars and Y2K survival gear to prepare for the end of the world as we know it, here’s further evidence: Rupert Murdoch is trying to join the human race on Twitter.

MAZEL T-

On The Bright Side, Brandi Glanville’s Fake Wedding Lasted Longer Than Justin Bieber Make-Pretend Sex

By Trisha B.

WHAT KIND OF RANDY SKANK IS Brandi Glanville?

The divorced “Real” Housewife decided to pull a Britney and wed a friend. No, no flashing of vajayjays.

UNRAVELING

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Uncoupling

By Trisha B.

WE LEFT THE LADIES HUDDLED IN THE BACKSEAT OF A LIMO, with Kyle, Adrienne and Lisa trying to convince Russell that Camille was just repeating what Taylor said. He just cannot believe his wife spilled all their marriage beans and insists they were spouting untruths. And Taylor is stunned to find out he’s been sending her friends threatening emails. It’s going to be an uncomfortable ride home.

IRRECONCILABLE

What Caused Katy Perry’s Divorce Firework? She’s Too Young To Have Babies

By Elizabeth C.

DESPITE FAME AND FORTUNE, KATY PERRY AND RUSSELL BRAND COULDN’T PUT THEIR PRETTY LITTLE HEADS TOGETHER TO MAKE THINGS WORK BETWEEN THEM. Instead, they just knocked heads — about her partying and his hunger for having babies now, according to the Daily Mail.