WHO’S ON FOURTH?

Keeping Score Of Snooki Nookie: A Jersey Shore Recap

By Karen Malmquist

WHEN WE LAST LEFT THE GOOMBAS, SNOOKI WAS SUCKING FACE WITH VINNY not long after Jionni fled Italy because she flashed her kooka at the disco. She was having makeup sex by proxy.

FAIREST SHOWDOWN

Mean Queen & Wannabe! Julia Roberts & Lilly Collins In ‘Snow White’ Remake

By Elizabeth C.

HERE’S JULIA ROBERTS AS THE “SCHIZOPHRENIC” EVIL STEPMOTHER IN director Tarsem Singh’s upcoming Snow White remake, whatever crazy that means. (Wait until the mental health experts weigh on his careless use of the word.)

America’s once-reigning princess plays a diabolical royal who connives to keep her nemesis (played by Lily Collins) from power. And like most duplicitious snakes, the Robert’s Queen wears a brittle smile to hide the rot inside.

THE ART OF WAR

Revenge: A Career Aborted

By Miz J

EMILY/AMANDA IS FLIPPING THROUGH HER revenge mementos when a SWAT team busts in led by Victoria. Because the SWAT team can’t function without the supervision of a WASP.

1955-2011

Steve Jobs: He Lived Hungry & Foolishly

By Elizabeth C.

PRAISE IS PILING UP FASTER THAN A RECORD-BREAKING 8.429 GHz COULD PROCESS THE NEWS: Steve Jobs is dead.

“Genius.” “Visionary.” “Iconoclast.” “Giant.”

WHACK WEDNESDAY

The Playboy Club Goes Bust, Blowies Score For Health Equality & The Simpsons Skid Off The Grid?

By Miz J

AFTER THREE ANEMIC EPISODES, NBC’S The Playboy Club is tying up its tattered silk robe and slinking off to that comfy recliner in the sky:

Entertainment Weekly reports that Playboy Club debuted weakly and snared a paltry 3.4 million viewers during its third and final telecast.

MONEY MATTERS

One In Four Keep Financial Secrets From Partners

By Nancy Zimmerman

ONE IN FOUR OF YOU KEEP MONEY SECRETS FROM YOUR PARTNER THAT COULD END UP hurting the relationship, according to a September 2011 poll by the National Foundation for Credit Counselling.

SPRUNG

The ‘She-Devil’ Has Landed: Amanda Knox Back On U.S. Soil

By Elizabeth C.

AMANDA KNOX, A.K.A. “FOXY KNOXY,” a.k.a the “angel-faced killer,” a.k.a. “luciferina,” arrived in Seattle a free woman tonight four years after she was accused of being involved in the murder of her roommate.

MYSTERY SOLVED?

Cop’s New Book Claims Sean Combs Ordered Hit On Tupac Shakur

By Shakenya Jackson

DID A DANCING CEO IN A BUBBLE COAT PUT THE ORDER IN TO KILL TUPAC SHAKUR 15 years ago?

In the just-released Murder Rap: The Untold Story of the Biggie Smalls & Tupac Shakur Investigations, former Los Angeles Police Det. Greg Kading claims that Sean P.Diddy/Puff Daddy/”King of Irrelevant Nicknames” Combs, ordered a hit on Tupac with $1 million dollars as a payout.

This isn’t first time that Diddy’s been accused of Tupak’s murder: Kirk Burrowes, ex-president of Bad Boy Entertainment, made the explosive claim back in 2003.

COCK-Y

The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Bitter Leaves An Aftertaste

By Trisha B.

WE HEAR LOTS OF CRUNCHING AS KYLE AND TAYLOR, wobbling on their stilettos, visit Dana for lunch.

Kyle is cursing the pebbled path and every homeowner who has one. Dana opens the door in a wedding dress and tiara. Ooh, did we interrupt something?

LUCKY IN LIFE

The Original Snarkmaster Andy Rooney Bows Out

LOOKING AT ANDY ROONEY’S GRAY HAIR AND INCORRIGIBLE EYEBROWS, IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE HE WAS the fresh equivalent of Kreayshawn in his heyday.

When he began his signature sign-offs on 60 Minutes in 1978, the paid crank had the cache of today’s snarkiest blogs.