CONNECTIONS

Britney’s Rumored Wedding Bling, Clooney Tangles With Girl Wrestler & Jennifer Lopez Practices Weird Science

By Elizabeth C.

IS BRIT-BRIT ABOUT TO BE BLINGEED? George Clooney wrestles a new love interest. And Jennifer Lopez tests her chemistry with Bradley Cooper. Tuesday’s gossip is a love connection.

TRUTH TORPEDOED

There Will Be Blood: Charlie Sheen Bowed But Not Broken After Roast

GETTING EVISCERATED BY CRUEL WITS HAS HAD A REVELATORY EFFECT ON CHARLIE SHEEN.

During last weekend’s roast taped by Comedy Central, comic Hollywood launched its own own torpedo of truth at the notorious party boy with a penchant for porn and rough play with women. No topic was taboo.

“It’s amazing,” joked actress Kate Walsh from Grey’s Anatomy. “Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys and your liver, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.”

‘TIL DEBT DO YOU PART

How Debt Can Haunt You Like The Crypt Keeper

By Nancy Zimmerman

LIKE A BAD HORROR MOVIE IN WHICH THE CREEPER JUST WON’T DIE, YOUR DEBT will haunt even after death.

TRIPPY

Past Is Prologue: A Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap

By Karen Malmquist

THIS WEEK ON REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS, Kyle is moving into her new home, and calls on the morally corrupt Faye Resnick for help. Basically Faye just comes over to tell the movers that certain placements of the furniture look ridiculous.

CHEW ON THIS

Fat Guy To White Castle: Supersize My Table!

By Elizabeth C.

A NEW YORK MAN IS SUING WHITE CASTLE CLAIMING THAT THE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT DISCRIMINATES AGAINST HEFTIES.

Kessman says he loves him some sliders, but his craving comes at a price: he claims the table and chairs inside White Castle are too small for his 290 pound frame.

PRICKLY

Madonna Beats Up Hydrangeas In Mock “Finger” To Criticism

OH THAT MADGE, SHE THINKS SHE’S HILARIOUS, even when she looks like Anthony Perkin’s mother in Psycho. Poor wilted deluded flower.

DOESN’T COMPUTE

Yet Another “Ironic” T-Shirt Banishes Girls To Stupid

CAN YOU IMAGINE LARRY PAGE WEARING Forever 21’s “Allergic To Alegebra” T-SHIRT?

HORRORS

Insidious Is In The House! A Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap

By Karen Malmquist

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY DECIDE TO HALF-ASS A CHARITY 5K. But before any running begins, Teresa needs to unload after seeing her brother at her book signing.

As Caroline and Jacqueline pull up to the Manzo house, they find Teresa sitting in her car primping. The three ladies go inside and discuss the book signing. Caroline tells Teresa to call Melissa. When she does, they talk over each other about the texting war between their husbands.

AN IDEA PAST ITS PRIME

Does Cranky Madonna Still Qualify As “Cougar” — Or Is She Now Just Old?

By Elizabeth C.

IS THERE AN AGE WHEN the mature woman who likes sex with hot boys no longer qualifies for the descriptive “cougar?”

APPLY SALVE

Fist Pumps, Push Ups, Chapstick! A Jersey Shore Recap

By Karen Malmquist

L IFE AT DYSFUNCTION JUNCTION FINDS THE HOUSEMATES TRYING TO repair their relationships — as well as their dry scaly lips with frequent slathering of Chapstick. (Look forward to Snooki flavor coming soon to a convenience store near you!)