BACKTRACKING

Eating Their Words: Charlie Sheen, Brad Pitt

CHARLIE SHEEN AND BRAD PITT have some ‘splaing to do. Charlie for his crazy antics last spring — and Pitt for insinuating in a Parade interview that his exwife Jennifer Aniston was boring.

TRIPPY

Police Crashes & Lesbian Kisses : A Jersey Shore Recap

By Karen Malmquist

OVERWORKED FROM PRETENDING TO WORK AT THE PIZZERIA, THE Joisey Shore kids plan a day of play at the beach in Riccione. To prepare for their outing, Snooki and Jenni take an unannounced break from work. So their boss Marco has to hunt them down and bring them back to work. And we can forgive them for their sloth if we just keep in mind that it must be exhausting to be these people.

KARMA BITES

Shakeout At Cuthroat Cabal: Jill, Alex & Kelly Out On Housewives Of New York

By Trisha B.

THERE IS A GOD!

Suicide, bankruptcies, fake kidnappings and now, DISMISSALS! Never a dull day in HousewivesLand.

HuffPo reports that Jill Zarin, Alex McCord and Kelly Bensimon have all been fired from The Real Housewives of New York.

HAPPY

Brad Pitt: Having Kids With Angelina “Greatest, Smartest” Thing He’s Done

THERE’S A REWARD TO THE PUBLIC every time Brangelina premiers a new project.

Before every film release, the fulsome couple invariably give an interview in which they dollop out facts about their A-list family: the boys eat bugs, Shiloh likes boys’ clothes, they take time-outs for sex.

Now with the impending release of the new baseball comedy Moneyball, Pitt is once again talking about his failed marriage to Jennifer Aniston, and why making Angelina the mother to his kids is the best gift he could have given them.

ACCOMPLISHED

WTF FoRealz: Guinness World Records 2012

THESE ARE WTFS FOREALZ:

A lady whose nails measure 19 feet 9 inches.

Thirteen dogs simultaneously jumping rope.

The world’s studliest man — as in having 453 body piercings — 278 of them near his genitals.

A coonhound with the world’s longest ears (and saddest eyes.)

And the world’s longest mustache measuring 14 feet.

Yes, it’s time for the release of Guinness World Records 2012, detailing the oddest feats of men and women, children and beasts.

SURPRIZE COMMITTEE

Whoohoo! Larry Page Wants To Give Me A Prize

By Elizabeth C.

I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS — AND FRANKLY IT COMES AS A SURPRISE TO ME — but Larry Page is a fan of mine.

STONE IN LOVE?

Abducted By Love? Michaele Salahi Rocks The Road With Journey‘s Neal Schon

By Trisha B.

FORGET THE JOBS BILL, the fleeing of Libya’s Gadhafi and the famine in Somalia — Michaele Salahi’s been abducted! Or, more accurately, the Salahis have hijacked the headlines again.

PEEK & BOO

Scarlett Johansson, The FBI & The Hacked Naked Hottie Whodunit

By Elizabeth C.

THE FBI IS HOT ON THE TRAIL OF THE HACKED NAKED HOTTIE WHODUNNIT.

In other words, who stole the soft erotica photos of A-lister actress Scarlett Johansson and leaked them on the web?

THIS IS A PUNCHLINE

Faux Gumby Cops To Cartoonishly Bad Stickup

By Elizabeth C.

OH NO, MR. BILL! Wait, wrong cartoon.

Gumby has copped to attempted robbery. Or at least a man wearing a Gumby costume has.

SECOND TAKE

The Upside Of Suicide: A Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap

By Trisha B.

THIS IS WHY I LOVE BRAVO.

In the previouslies, it made sure to show Ken at the dinner party holding Giggy, while the dog drank out of a beautiful, fragile champagne glass. And Ken drinking out of the same glass right after. So, again, I got to see Kim’s awesome ugh, ugh, ugh reaction to the sight of it. The sight still makes me gag. But let’s move on. Kyle’s up first.