GUESSING GAME

Is Ashton Toying With Demi’s Heart On Twitter?

By Elizabeth C.

HERE’S THE SILVER LINING FOR A FORMERLY INKSTAINED REPORTER pretending to be coolatious on the web:

Instead of being forced to actually weed through hundreds of names, I can just repeat that RadarOnline reports that Ashton Kutcher stopped following mrskutcher on Twitter.

LOVE DRUNK

Besotted Dad David Beckham Promises To ‘Protect’ Harper Seven

By Elizabeth C.

HARPER BECKHAM IS PROVING TO BE THE LUCKY LITTLE GIRL HER PARENTS HOPED WHEN THEY anointed her with the middle name “Seven.”

The infant daughter of David and Victoria Beckham clearly’s got her daddy wrapped around her pinky finger as he waxes on about his newborn.

PHOTO OP

Mrs. Obama Goes Goodwill Hunting At Target

By Elizabeth C.

THEY SAY A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, BUT CAN ONE COUNTER A $10 MILLION FAUX PAS?

First Lady Michele Obama was photographed at a Target yesterday in Alexandria, Va. The prez’s wife reportedly picked up some dog food for Bo among other things as she explored the aisles for 40 minutes with an assistant. Secret Service agents shadowed her, and an AP photographer conveniently snapped her at the checkout. A spokesman for President Obama claimed the photographer ‘caught her’ at the store.

ALL SNOOKED UP

Snooki Hurts So Good: A Jersey Shore Recap

By Karen Malmquist

THE AFTERSHOCKS OF THE SNOOKI-JIONNI MELTDOWN ARE RATTLING THE GOOMBAS, and everyone’s a hungover mess.

Snooki stirs, mumbling that she can’t f****** deal, and remembers that Jionni has left. She tries calling him, and gets no answer.

ULTIMATE VOYEURISM

Bravo Crosses Line With Deathploitation Of Russell & Taylor Armstrong Recap

By Trisha B.

RADARONLINE confirms that Bravo will air the counseling sessions of troubled Beverly Hill Housewife Taylor Armstrong and her deceased husband, Russell. The only concession they’re making is not airing Russell’s private sessions. They will air Taylor’s.

HUNTED

Will The Real Sara Leal Please Stand Up?

By Elizabeth C.

THE DRAGNET FOR ASHTON KUTCHER’S TRICK SARA LEAL IS UNDERWAY.

DEEP

Revenge: Backstabbing Noir

By Miz J

A MERE 12 WEEKS BEFORE THAT FATAL NIGHT when Daniel ended up face down in the Hamptons sand, Ashley whisks Emily away from the match to a private linen-sheet fortress, er, I mean chic tent, for some champers and a frank discussion about how “dangerous” Daniel is.

WHACK WEDNESDAY

Nancy Grace’s Breast Escapes, Rihanna Gets Banished & Hallmark Strikes While Bitter’s Hot

By Miz J

ALL RIGHT, FIRST THINGS FIRST: who laughed their asses off when they heard about Nancy Grace’s wardrobe malfunction on Dancing With Irrelevant Stars? I think we should all sit around and judge her as harshly as she does everyone else.

IRONIC

Demi Dumps Ashton As Tab Claims He Pulled A Charlie Harper

By Elizabeth C.

CALL ME A CYNIC BUT THIS WAS INEVITABLE: RadarOnline‘s dropped a bombshell story (or is it a story about a bombshell?) claiming Ashton Kutcher put his pecker in someone other than Demi Moore Saturday night. And Charlie Sheen is bent over in pain from laughing, amirite?

CREATING MARKET CONDITIONS?

Trader ‘Dreams’ Of Stock Crash, Says Goldman Sachs Rules World

By Nancy Zimmerman

FINANCIAL TRADER ALESSIO RASTANI gobsmacked BBC News when he declared that millions of people’s savings would vanish within a year, the stock market couldn’t be fixed, and that “this is just the beginning.” Economic collapse, he contended, was inevitable — but that the smart could profit from it.