THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!

Kim Kardashian Extends Vapid Brand With Klassy Wedding

Staff

AMERICA’S LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATORS — fans of the Kardashian klan — are reveling in the details of the made-for-TV marriage of shallow reality star Kim Kardashian and her hulking hubby, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries.

GO LIGHTLY, MY FRIENDS

‘Charismatic’ Crustacean Saved By Humanitarian Bookkeeper

By Elizabeth C.

WE DECLARE THIS OH HAPPY FRIDAY BECAUSE OF THIS STORY ABOUT A lobster deemed too big and old to eat.

MYSTERY RESOLVED

Report: Russell Armstrong Smashed Real Housewife‘s Face In June

By Elizabeth C.

EVER SINCE REAL HOUSEWIFE HUBBY RUSSELL ARMSTRONG WAS FOUND HANGED MONDAY IN AN APPARENT SUICIDE, there’s been lots of squawking about the evils of reality TV, a claim that I’d never dispute.

Though Russell Armstrong reportedly told friends that appearing on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with wife Taylor Armstrong ruined his life, there’s little doubt that he was battling demons long before appearing on that show.

TWEEDLEDEE, TWEEDLEDUMB

Bi-Winning Before The Fall: A Jersey Shore Recap

By Karen Malmquist

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR FAVORITE PARTY ANIMALS, WHERE everyone’s getting ready to start the day, and Mike falls off the couch. An interesting parallel to the crap storm he’s created for himself, and on this new episode of Jersey Shore, the sitch hits the fan. But more on that later.

TASTY

California Couple’s Engagement Album Slays the Living & Undead

By Elizabeth C.

THE IMPENDING NUPTIALS OF Juliana S. Park to Benjamin J. Lee will no doubt be the hottest ticket of Pasadena, Calif.’s fall social calendar for both the living and undead. That’s because these two crazy kids are slaying them on the web with their mock engagement photo album depicting a surprise Zombie attack.

LONG WAY FROM HOME

Michael Vick: Halfway To Whom He’s Yet To Become

By Elizabeth C.

MICHAEL VICK HAS PUT ON A GOOD SHOW of being reformed since being busted for operating a dog-fighting ring. But then maybe he’s just had fantastic PR people fixing his problem.

WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

Whack Wednesday!

Jennifer Hudson Likes Skinny Better Than Oscar & Abercrombie Gets Ironic In Dissing The Situation

By Miz J

SO JENNIFER HUDSON IS MORE PROUD TO BE THIN THAN TO BE AN OSCAR WINNER.

Listen, Jen, good on ya for getting your body to a healthier state. But now let’s work on the whacked perspective that produced this grade-A line of Californicated bullshit:

SECRET LOVERS?

Are They On? Sandra Bullock & Ryan Reynolds Spied Romping In Wyoming Woods

Staff

“BEST-SMELLING PERFUME EVER” SANDRA BULLOCK AND RYAN REYNOLDS have been snapped hiking in Wyoming’s Grand Teton National Park along with Sandy’s son Louis Bardo.

PLANTING SEEDS

Kevin Federline Fathers Fifth Kid To Third Baby Momma

Staff

KEVEN FEDERLINE, AKA K-FED, AKA EX-FED, has delivered his fifth progeny into the world, this time a daughter mothered by former pro volleyball player, Victoria Prince.

TOO REAL

Estranged Husband Of Beverly Hills Housewife Dead Of Apparent Suicide

By Trisha B.

SO I’M AT THE LUNCH TABLE IN THE BREAK ROOM telling a friend how curious I am about the newly announced Real Housewives tour. He suddenly blurts out that one of the housewives husband’s committed suicide. “Get the fuck outta here,” I say in my best Philly accent.