HIS REIGN ENDS

Steve Jobs Steps Down As Apple CEO

By Elizabeth C.

APPLE CEO STEVE JOBS, THE COMPUTER SAVANT WHO propelled the company to heady technological heights with its dazzling array of “i” tech toys, resigned today after 14 years at the company’s helm.

WONDERS NEVER CEASE

Whack Wednesday!

Courtney Stodden’s A Show About Nothing, Washington (Monument) Is Officially Cracked & Groupon On Verge Of Catastrophe?

By Miz J

SO APPARENTLY YESTERDAY’S EAST COAST
EARTHQUAKE fucked with the Washington Monument, and flooded Facebook with inane updates about how Law & Order: SVU reruns were being interrupted.

Guests At Kardashian-Humphries Wedding Snipe About Fake ‘Show’ Of It All

AT LAST! SOME DRIP OF NEWS THAT ACTUALLY COMMANDS attention to the Kardashian-Humphries betrothal.

In the cattiest gossip so far about the fake wedding that dominated the (always slow) weekend news, Us Weekly reports that Kris Humphries’ family “looked appalled” at the reality TV production of the century.

PLAYED

Will & Jada Pinkett Smith Knock Down Rumors Of A Break-Up

Staff

OOOPS, SOMEONE’S PLAYED THE ULTIMATE PLAYAS AS Will and Jada Pinkett Smith bat down rumors that the two have separated.

COD UNDETERMINED

Illegal Drugs Didn’t Kill Amy Winehouse: Toxicology Report

Staff

TOXICOLOGY TESTS ON SOULFUL BRITISH R & B SINGER AMY WINEHOUSE FOUND NO illegal drugs in her body when she died, according to a family statement.

TAKING AIM

January Jones Sends Shivers Down Her Make-Pretend Son’s Spine

By Miz J

FOLKS, IF YOU THOUGHT THAT BETTY DRAPER WAS colder than a frozen Botox needle, then listen to what’s being said about January Jones.

STORK NEWS

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner Confirm Baby No. 3 On Way

Staff

LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE TRYING FOR A BOY: Ben Affleck and super mommy Jennifer Garner have announced thev’ve got a proverbial bun in the oven.

MARKED FOR TROUBLE

Megan Fox Disappears Marilyn Monroe Tat to Remove “Negative Energy”

Staff

THE CASE OF THE DISAPPEARING MARILYN MONROE TATTOO HAS BEEN SOLVED: Vapid starlet Megan Fox has confirmed that she’s getting her ink of the dead sex symbol removed from her forearm.

RAKING IT IN

Everything But A Sex Tape: Jersey Shore Cast Reels In The Green With Show Tie-Ins

By Karen Malmquist

IN AN ATTEMPT TO EXTEND THEIR 15 MINUTES OF FAME, the cast of Jersey Shore have ventured into books, slippers, more books, acting, perfume, bronzer, music, and being paid to not wear things. Take that, Kardashians!

FACE OFF

Anywhere But Here: A Real Housewives Of New Joisey Recap

By Karen Malmquist

WE RETURN TO ASHLEY’S LUNCH WITH HER FAMILY, where her father is lecturing her and her mother has left the room crying. Her father is telling her to go get her mother and apologize, but Ashley doesn’t want to. After her dad and stepmom take her downstairs to see her mom, Jacqueline is still frustrated. Ashley’s still mad and doesn’ think she needs to apologize.