STIRRING UP SHIT

The ‘Indgredientses’ To A Family Feud: A Real House Of New Jersey Recap

By Karen Malmquist

WITH THE SPARKLY HOLIDAYS BEHIND US, DARK FAMILIAL DRAMA HAS RESUMED ON THE Real Housewives Of New Jersey.

Not surprisingly, it has to do with Joe Giudice and his big, sloppy mouth. But first…

PRESENTING

Foster The Beautiful People: The MTV 2011 VMA Awards!

Beyonce Pops! Britney Shocks! Gaga Drags! Chris Brown Rocks! And Justin Beliebs

By Miz J

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE VMAs that makes everyone bring out their inner weirdo?

Things are popping off this weird dude I’ve never seen before…and then I’m like, oh wait, it’s Lady Gaga. I didn’t recognize her with her dick out, that’s all.

MADCAP

Mike Fought The Wall & The Wall Won: A Jersey Shore Recap

By Karen Malmquist

AFTER LAST WEEK’S SLOW CLIMB TO CLIMAX WE’RE FINALLY LIVE! AT THE MIKE AND RON FIGHT!

The whole house turns out to watch. Mike bashes his head into the wall and falls to the ground. J-Woww goes over to see if he’s okay and he’s knocked out cold.

WASTING OUR TIME

Time Asks ‘Can Rick Perry Win?’ Here’s The Answer In A Word

By Elizabeth C.

TIME magazine poses the question “Can Rick Perry’s Evangelical Appeal Reach Beyond Texas?” and seeks to answer its own query in a relatively concise 818 words. But if you don’t have five minutes to read that, here’s all you need to know in a word: No.

WEAPONS OF MASS DELUSION

World Moves Closer To Peace As Chicagoan Grabs Silver In 16th Annual World Air Guitar Competition

Staff

CHICAGO-BASED AIR GUITARIST Justin “Nordic Thunder” Howard did his part to spread world peace at the 16th annual Air Guitar World Championships held in Oulu, Finland on Friday, winning second place in the competition.

“My heart is filled with so many emotions,” sniffed Howard on his Twitter account. “This has been the best time of my life, & i’ve made some new amazing friends.Tonight we ALL rock!”

TUG-OF-WAR’S OVER

Mel Gibson, Oksana Grigorieva Reach Custody Terms Over Baby Lucia

By Elizabeth C.

THE UGLY CUSTODY DRAMA BETWEEN Oksana Grigorieva and Mel Gibson is about to close.

“As the result of a multiday settlement conference, the court announces that Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva have achieved a settlement in their ongoing dispute,” Los Angeles Superior Court officials announced Friday. The terms are to be announced at a hearing next week.

GOTCHA

Jim Carrey’s Creeptastic Emma Stone Video Delivers Auspicious Debut To Actor’s Website

By Elizabeth C.

THREE DAYS AGO NOBODY EVER HEARD OF JIMCARREYTRULIFE.COM. Today the website ranks 90,673 in the world on Alexa.com, an auspicious and audacious debut by the always wildly inventive comic.

FLO & THE MACHINATIONS

Prelude To A Diss: A Jersey Shore Recap

By Karen Malmquist

AFTER A NIGHT OF GOING GAGA OVER A PAIR OF (probably underage) twins, it’s time to get the girls out and let the drama begin. Ron and Sam are back together, and it’s all down here from here.

RUN EMMA RUN

Jim Carrey Channels ‘Cable Guy’ In Stalking Video Love Note To Emma Stone

Staff

HERE’S THE FULL CREEPTASTIC WINSOME MESSAGE THAT JIM CARREY DELIVERS TO EMMA STONE via YouTube video.

It is a joke? Has he gone raving mad? Wrestling with deep yearn?

Emma Stone herself is scratching her head. “I was a huge Jim Carrey fan,” she says. “Now I’m not sure if I should be flattered, or seek an order for protection? 😉 lol.”

Ahh, who cares: it’ll amuse you for five minutes and give you something to talk about when you’re pouring cream in your coffee in the office kitchen.

NOT FOR ‘REAL’

Paris Or Snooki Honored With A ‘Star?’ ‘Hell To The No,’ Says Hollywood

By Elizabeth C.

HOLLYWOOD MAY BE THAT VAPID, CORRUPTING CITY ON THE HILL BUT don’t get the idea it doesn’t have standards. The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has unequivocally banished reality TV contestants from being honored with a star along the Hollywood Walk Of Fame.