NARCISSIST

Police Claim Norwegian Shooter Sought Plastic Surgery to Look ‘Aryan’

Staff

CONFESSED killer and Hitler incarnate Anders Behring Breivik underwent the surgeon’s knife to look more “Ayran,” Norway’s chief of intelligence told the Sunday Times.

MYSTERY SOLVED?

Are The Feds Closing In On Elusive Hijacker D.B. Cooper?

By Elizabeth C.

FAMED ELUSIVE HIJACKER D.B. COOPER MAY FINALLY BE IN THE CROSSHAIRS OF THE F.B.I.

GAME OVER

XBox Addict Gets Blood Clot, Loses Game Of Life

By Elizabeth C.

A 20-year-old aspiring computer programmer was killed by a blood clot that his parents say was caused by him playing Xbox for up to 12 hours at a time.

SPECIALITY

And The Award For The Best Pizza Box Goes To…

By Elizabeth C.

SCOTT FROM SCOTT’S PIZZA TOURS GETS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT PIZZA BOXES.

So much, in fact, that he has friends send him boxes from pizzerias around the world. Consequently, Scott’s become a de facto expert in the arcane subject of pizza box design.

LOSING GROUND

U.S. Biologist Suspended For Authoring Report On Drowned Polar Bears

By Elizabeth C.

IN CASE you’re confused about the real purpose of the U.S.’s Bureau of Ocean Energy Management, Regulation and Enforcement, here’s a story to distill the answer: A wildlife biologist who co-wrote a report on dead polar bears that became ammunition for climate activists has been suspended while his “integrity” is investigated.

MARKED FOR LIFE

“Kitler” Kitty Gets The Pass From Prospective Pet Owners

NOW COMES this heartbreaking tale from the U.K. Telegraph: A kitten up for adoption at the Wood Green animal shelter in Godmanchester keeps getting passed over because she’s marked with a Hitler mustache.

BEASTS

Fight Club: The Real Housewives Of New York Reunion, Part One

By Trisha B.

LOOKING pretty, perfumed and ready for anything, our Housewives are aligned on their separate couches of crazy.

The brunettes, Kelly, LuAnn, Cindy, and Jill (redhead) to Andy’s right; the blondes, Ramona, Sonja and Alex to his left. Time to watch the jibber jabber fly.

CONFLICTING STORIES

Death & Denial: Was Amy Winehouse Clean Or On A Bender When She Died?

By Elizabeth C.

TOXICOLOGY tests on tortured artist Amy Winehouse can’t come soon enough to resolve the mystery surrounding her death.

Only hours after the Grammy winning blues singer was found dead in her bed, friends were quoted in British newspapers saying she had been on a vodka bender and had taken the “Love Drug” ecstasy.

“My friend’s boyfriend is a policeman, and he’s the one who found Amy Winehouse dead,” TV producer Danny Panthaki claimed on Twitter. “Overdosed on ecstasy.” The account has since been deleted.

The U.K. s Daily Mail reported that the gifted singer and songwriter was seen buying drugs in Camden the night before her death.

ELECTRIC

Showdown At The Electric Daisy Carnival Premiere

Staff

FINGERS ARE POINTING BETWEEN LOS ANGELES COPS AND MEMBERS OF THE CROWD THAT AMASSED WEDNESDAY NIGHT FOR THE PREMIERE OF Electric Daisy Carnival Experience.

CUTTING

Burned! Kat Von D Gets Jesse James Tat Shortly Before Breakup

By Trisha B.

HA! How prescient of Crabby to mention Kat Von D getting a tattoo of Jesse’s name.

Girlfriend did much better than that. She got his 10-year-old likeness inked on her body instead. Under her left armpit. Thank God, so she won’t have to really see it. But who does that?