POOR RICH KIDS

More Reasons For Charlie Sheen’s Daughters To Frown

By Elizabeth C.

CHARLIE SHEEN THINKS HIS CRITICS ARE “TURDS” FOR INTERFERING WITH HIS COKE AND PORN-FUELED FUN. And we’d be the first to recognize Charlie’s right to slow suicide if it weren’t for Sam and Lola and Bob and Max.

Sam and Lola are Sheen’s darling but perpetually frowning little girls with Denise Richards. Bob and Max are his twin sons born to estranged wife Brooke Mueller. And now the tabs are atwitter over how Sheen’s addiction to sleaze is affecting his kids.

SIZZLING IDEA, PART DEUX

Explained: Why Bacon Is The ‘Gateway’ Meat For Vegetarians

By Elizabeth C.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A REPORTER and a friend with an anecdote? A news story!

And because NPR’s Eliza Barclay has a friend who fell from her high-riding vegetarian wagon, we can now snack on her story about why bacon is the “gateway meat” for vegetarians.

Seems after 15 years of satiating her hunger with brown rice and fruit and veggies, Eliza’s friend took a whiff of the sizzle in her boyfriend’s frying pan and had to have it now! And, no, that is not some sexxy euphemism.

THEY SHOULDN’T

Real Housewives of Atlanta Finale: The Ring Doesn’t Mean A Thing

By Karen Malmquist

THIS SEASON OF The Real Housewives of Atlanta was full of the usual catfights and musical endeavors, but Sunday’s finale displayed the show’s softer side as it captured the final moments before Cynthia’s wedding.

Cynthia is planning her wedding at the Fernback Museum of Natural History with financial woes on her mind.

SHE HAS NEEDS

Charlie Sheen’s Porn Playmate Has An Oral Fixation

By Elizabeth C.

CHARLIE SHEEN’S PORN PLAYMATE KACEY JORDAN SUFFERS FROM AN ORAL FIXATION: The girl can’t shut up!

Ever since her Wednesday night bacchanal with the master of the small screen — Sheen makes $1.25 million per episode of Two And A Half Men — Jordan has regaled us with secrets from inside Charlie’s porn palace.

Egypt’s Internet Blockade Illustrated; Protesters Hell Bent On Change

Staff

ARBOR NETWORK PROVIDED CNN WITH THE ABOVE graphic illustrating the sudden death of Egypt’s Internet.

The U.S. ally nation is in chaos as Egyptians’ boil over at the iron rule imposed by despised President Hosni Mubarak. As many as 35 people have been reported killed and 2,000 injured during skirmishes between protesters and police.

MYSTERY RESOLVED

“Bad Spuds” And Not The Apocalypse Caused Cattle Deaths In Wisconsin

By Elizabeth C.

FATALISTS CAN PUT AWAY THEIR ROSARY BEADS AS WISCONSIN OFFICIALS SAY “BAD SPUDS” and not the impending Apocalypse killed 200 cows on a Wisconsin farm last week.

“The cows were poisoned by a toxin found in moldy sweet potatoes, which apparently were mixed in with potato waste fed to the animals,” said Peter Vanderloo, associate director of the Wisconsin Veterinary Diagnostic Laboratory.

INSATIABLE

Velvet-Voiced Ted Williams ‘Exploited’ By Dr. Phil, Friend Says

By Elizabeth C.

GOLDEN-VOICED PANHANDLER TED WILLIAMS PROVOKED A LOT OF HANDWRINGING SINCE CHECKING OUT OF A DR. PHIL SPONSORED TRIP TO REHAB. BUT THE former radio announcer’s slip from the TV shrink’s exploitive grasp proves he’s still got his wits about him.

Williams became a cause celebre after being discovered on the side of an Ohio highway doing voiceovers for money.

INSATIABLE

Charlie Fiend Checks Out Of Hospital & Back Into Headlines

By Elizabeth C.

MOVE ALONG, NOTHING TO SEE HERE, unless you can’t look away from the soul bleeding out on life’s decadent highway.

HER HEART GOES OUT TO CHARLIE

Charlie Sheen’s Porn Star Date Wants Us To Know She Worries For Him

By Elizabeth C.

WHAT IS THERE TO SAY ABOUT CHARLIE SHEEN?

That he’s an addict? That’s an effing cliche. That he likes porn stars for sale? Pshaw, old news.

That he likes smoking snort by the suitcase-full? Now we’re talking.

HAUTE MEDIEVAL

Warrior Chic: Jewelry Couture Rock And Bone’s Helmet Collection

By Elizabeth C.

IT’S A SNAP TO IMAGINE LADY GAH DONNING THIS MEDIEVAL HELMUT WHILE HUNTING DOWN the beast that provides her next flesh dress. (Boar, anyone?)

This antiqued-style steel helmet fashioned with studs, onyx stones and Swarovski crystals is part of the “Helmet” collection by the jewelry maker Rock and Bone. No doubt made with the dominatrix in mind. The piece includes chain with black pearl details on the back and mesh on the eye. Helmet measures 12.5 inches and weighs 5 pounds. Yours for $2,890.

More warrior chic inside.