DEAD EYES

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Reunion: The Kids Aren’t Alright

By Sexy Chatty Catty

I‘VE ONLY GLANCED AT THE JERSEY HOUSEWIVES this season. I even blew off the Danielle-Caroline showdown last week. I thought it’d pretty much go like this:

Caroline: Stay away from my family! You’re garbage… the kind of garbage that needs to be put into a garbage can and then hauled away in a dump truck and shipped to Manila.

Danielle: How DARE you judge me!

Then I saw the commercials for the reunion show with Teresa shoving Andy back into his chair and yelling into Danielle’s face and well, who could resist? So, here goes:

IT’S IN THE BAG

Mad Men & Women Rack Up Assorted Trophys

By Miz J

SERIOUSLY, IT MUST BE SAID: Christina Hendricks is clearly looking to score with those enormous knockers of hers. They’re on display like a trophy, and I bet those Honda execs would agree with me.

And while they’re no Clios, the cast and writers of Mad Men managed to nab a couple Emmys Sunday night:

STALKING NEW TERRITORY

Tiger Woods: ‘I’ll Take Manhattan’

By Elizabeth C.

THE WORLD’S PLAYGROUND JUST GOT ANOTHER PLAYA: US Mag is reporting that Tiger Woods has snapped up a condo in downtown Manhattan, and some are assuming it’s to be closer to his No. 1 mistress, Rachel Uchitel.

And If TMZ can be believed, the serial husband stealer is reportedly keeping her fingers crossed — if not legs — that Tiger comes hunting again.

LIBERATION THEOLOGY

Mad Men Recap: The Lost Weekend

By Miz J

WITH ALL ITS BOOZING AND TIME TRAVEL, LAST NIGHT’S “Waldorf Stories” gave me vertigo.

Everything kicks off with Don and Peggy looking at Jane’s cousin’s portfolio, and man, it’s a stinker. Every headline is “BRAND NAME, the cure for the common PRODUCT.” The book features different products, but the same headline a hundred times.

WINNER

In Spirit Of Sue Sylvester, Jane Lynch Wins Emmy Trophy

By Elizabeth C.

SUE SYLVESTER MIGHT HAVE HAD TO BULLY HER WAY INTO THE 2010 Emmy opening, but her alter ego Jane Lynch was one of the belles at the ball.

Chicago native Lynch won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for her portrayal of the ruthless cheerleading coach on Glee whose modus operandi is win at any cost.

Even though this was her first Emmy win, Lynch confidently took the stage and exclaimed, “Thank you so much. This is outlaaaaandish!” with South Side snap.

BEST JOKE

Ricky Gervais Gets Biggest Laugh At 2010 Emmy Awards

By Elizabeth C.

THE 2010 PRIMETIME EMMYS OPENED WITH A BANG but quickly fell into a drone of dull. Thank god for Ricky Gervais who snapped the audience to attention with his zinger at Mel Gibson’s expense. Here’s the bulk of his words with clip:

BORN TO GLEEK

It’s On, Bitches! A ‘Gleeful’ Opening To The 2010 Primetime Emmys

By Elizabeth C.

FOR A LITTLE WHILE DURING THE BROADCAST OF THE 2010 PRIMETIME EMMYS, host Jimmy Fallon showed just who was boss.

The annual tribute to the small screen’s best performances opened with a Glee inspired song-and-dance that capitalized on the night’s biggest names and most nominated shows while allowing TV’s pariah Kate Gosselin to poke fun at herself.

SAY CHEESE

Paris Hilton’s Arrest: What Happens In Vegas Doesn’t Stay In Vegas

By Madi S.

THE WORLD LOVES CELEBRITY MUGSHOTS and Paris Hilton knows that.

After being dumped by the paparazzi who made Lindsay Lohan the queen of the tabloids, Paris Hilton’s now back to earning headlines with her new arrest for possessing ‘coke.’ Only now we can add ‘dumbest criminal’ to her heiress title.

SEX VS. FOOD

Nutrisystem Asks a Weighty Question, Gets Whack Response

By Avoine Sauvage

ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES IS “WOULD YOU RATHER…”

Would you rather…Have skin so oily you constantly have to be toweling, or skin so dry you constantly have to apply lotion?

Would you rather…eat a tube of toothpaste or use mouthwash for eyedrops?

Would you rather…Have penises for fingers or vaginas for palms?

It’s a conversational staple when other topics fail.

Nutrisystem (the producers of artificial pre-packaged weight loss food for people who are too lazy to cook healthy meals for themselves) recently asked 1,000 people their own “Would You Rather…”

HOLD OUT

Rod Blagojevich’s Lone Jurory Holdout: I’ve Been Mistreated

By Elizabeth C.

THE 67-YEAR-OLD GRANDMA WHO WAS THE LONE HOLDOUT against convicting Rod Blagojevich of trying to sell President Obama’s former senate seat was yelled at and belittled by other jurors.

But JoAnn Chiakulas says she’s no Blagojevich apologist — the prosecution just didn’t make its case.