SHUT UP!

Where Will The Fallen Redeem Themselves? Larry King To Retire

By Miz J

IS IT TRUE? Is Larry King finally hanging up his suspenders and calling it a night?

Actually, I use the word “night” loosely here. With a guy his age, it’s more like 4 p.m. But I digress.
Those are some mighty big shoulder pads to fill. Without him, who will ask the hard questions, like, “What’s your favorite color?” Who will welcome the D-listers with such open arms as he has?

CRIMINAL

After Sadistic Cop’s Conviction, Demands For Answers From Daley

By Elizabeth C.

SADISTIC FORMER CHICAGO COP JON BURGE’S NO LONGER protected by the word ‘accused.’

The retired commander of the city’s violent crimes unit was convicted Tuesday of charges related to allegations that he tortured black men in his custody.

“It got to the point where it was him versus everyone else,” juror Gary Dollinger, 31, told the press.

THE FUTURE IS NOW

Feds Give Thumbs Up To Flying Car

By Elizabeth C.

THE SPACE AGE WILL SOON BE PULLING IN YOUR DRIVEWAY.

The Federal Aviation Agency (FAA) has approved the saLe of the first flying car.

The Terrafugia, designed by MIT engineers, got the thumbs up despite weighing 110 pounds more than typical “light sport aircraft.” But the federal agency ruled that as long as buyers were informed of the extra weight, the hybrid could be sold.

STILL PLAYING THE GAME

Angelina Jolie Keeps Yanking Our Chain About Retiring

By Madi S.

JUST IN TIME FOR JULY’S RELEASE OF SALT, ANGELINA JOLIE talks about life as mom to six kids and partner to the sexiest man alive in the upcoming Vanity Fair.

In exchange for the mag cover, Ang reveals character traits about the kids. And for once, she removes her superhero cape and admits that she’s got her hands full with her brood and worries about having enough time for them in the future.

“It’s easy when they’re small and don’t require much emotional support,” she said.

Thirst-Inspiring: Angelina Jolie In Salt Trailer

TRANSFORMED

Breaking Millions Of Hearts, Megan Fox Gets Married

By Elizabeth C.

THOSE MUFFLED CRIES EMANATING FROM AMERICA’S BEDROOMS THIS MORNING? Pubescent boys awaking to the news that fantasy conquest Megan Fox is officially off the market.

TMZ reports that the screen siren with the potty mouth made it official with longtime beau Brian Austin Green while vacationing in Hawaii. The couple met on the set of TV’s Hope And Faith in 2004. “It was very hush hush.

FUNDAMENTALLY

In A City Beset By Crime, Gun Ban Raises Question Of Fairness

By Elizabeth C.

IN A CITY WHERE GUNS HAVE BEEN BANISHED SINCE 1982, more than 80 people were reported shot in the last 10 days. And more than 200 have been killed so far this year.

That reality underscores the debate at the crux of gun control, which suffered a setback Monday when the U.S. Supreme Court effectively overturned Chicago’s stringent handgun ban.

“Politicians are frustrated and they don’t think of [the problem] logically,” said Don Mastrianni, the owner of Illinois Gun Works, located just outside of Chicago. “They like to spout off about common sense. But where’s the common sense when they write these regulations?

“Personally they have good intentions,” he said.

REPRESENTING

Chicago’s Rainbow Coalition Celebrates Gay Pride

By Elizabeth C.

RAIN HAD THREATENED THE GAY PARADE. BUT BY LATE MORNING THE SUN OUTED ITSELF AND WAS FOLLOWED BY THE RAINBOW.

Gay and straight and young and old and male and female converged on Chicago’s Boystown Sunday afternoon to partake in the 41st year of the Gay Pride Parade. Drag queens sashayed, roller skaters zigzagged, and beefy boys in glittery briefs gyrated toward the crowd.

Fun and fluids spilled into the street as an event that started out as struggle for sexual freedom became a celebration of the movement’s success. About 250 registered entries, some as loud as the vuvuzela, blared their support for Gay America. The fight for equality may be ongoing in workplaces and in courthouses, but along these approximately 30 city blocks — and in other cities all around the U.S. Sunday — freedom was evident in this rainbow coalition.

“If others don’t want to accept me, I have hundreds of thousands of people who will accept me,” a “jubilant” Katie Spain told the Chicago Tribune. “They’ll love me for who I am.”

SUPER STITCHINS

World’s Luckiest Cat Lands Bionic Legs After Farming Accident

By Elizabeth C.

THAT OSCAR IS ALIVE AT ALL BELIES THE OLD WIVES’ TALE THAT BLACK CATS ARE UNLUCKY.

In fact, few felines of any color have ever been so blessed as the suburban London feline whose back paws were amputated in a farming accident.

The two-year-old “moggie” is lucky in several ways: he has owners who loved him so much they were willing to pay in excess of $3,000 for him to receive prosthetic paws and surgery.

And he benefited by proximity to the Eashing veterinarian who implanted the metal “pegs” into his ankle bone.

“The real revolution,” says veterinary “neuro-orthopaedic” surgeon Noel Fitzpatrick, is that Oscar’s skin grew over the metal creating in essence “an extremely tight bone.”

“We had to do a lot of soul-searching,” Kate Nolan, the cat’s owner, said on Fitzpatrick’s website, “and our main concern has always been whether this operation would be in Oscar’s best interests and would give him a better quality of life.”

KEEPING A STIFF UPPER EYEBROW

A Face Mr. Spock Could Love: Kate Gosselin Gets Botox

By Madi S.

KATE GOSSELIN WAS GRASPING FOR AIR AFTER HER messy divorce, a house full of kids, a so-so samba with Dancing with the Stars, and the sudden death of her family reality show.

The crusty mommy needed change, a little pick-me-up.

So what does she do? Get a new haircut that will be criticized and analyzed by every cockamame two-bit blogger. No.

Worse: a Botox treatment that makes her look like Mr. Spock’s wife.

US magazine reports that Kate was photographed on Monday showing noticeably smoother skin and
spiked eyebrows. Comparing pictures of the new Kate to the old Kate, Dr. Michael Olding of George Washington University’s division of plastic surgery, concluded:

GOING VINTAGE

Close Encounter Of The Rubber Kind: Trying On The Female Condom

By Avoine Sauvage

WHEN I TOLD A FRIEND I WAS GOING TO TRY A FEMALE CONDOM, SHE RESPONDED, “Hello, 1986, how are you doing?”

But to claim that female condoms have “vintage appeal” is blatant euphemism. There is nothing — and I mean n-o-t-h-i-n-g — aesthetically attractive about a female condom. Yet, there is a renewed push to promote their use among women who are twice more likely to be infected with HIV through unprotected heterosexual intercourse than men.

A new “generation” of female condoms, the FC2, is made exclusively by the Female Health Company of Chicago. Unlike the first female condom approved by the FDA, the FC2 is made of nitrile as opposed to polyurethane, making it less expensive and thus more accessible than its predecessor.

I learned all this after catching word of the Female Health Company distributing 3.5 million of these little numbers to attendees of the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

In recognition of the newsworthiness of the topic, I did what any respectable young journalist would do: