CRY ME A RIVER

Halle Berry & Her Baby’s Daddy Break Up? Yawn

By Miz J

HERE’S THE THING ABOUT HALLE BERRY’S BREAKUP WITH Gabriel What’s His Butt:

I can’t feel sorry for her. Even with a dud like Catwoman under her belt. Because the fact is, this is old hat for her. And isn’t she lucky that, as one of the Lucky Straights, she gets the chance to fuck up marriage — though technically THIS time she wasn’t married — over and over again?

I can’t really give two shits about celebrity breakups because they make up/break up every ten minutes and it’s getting old. Also, there are bigger issues around marriage and relationships that should have our attention, don’t you think?

QUICKIES

Sexxy News Ripped From The Headlines

By Avoine Sauvage

THIS WEEK IS CRAMMED WITH JUICY NEWS BLIPS. If you need a topic of conversation while you’re saucily battin’ eyelashes this weekend, bust out one of these goodies.

APPLE IS UNDER PRESSURE by Parents Television Council to prevent “pornographic” iPhone applications. The group takes issue with apps such as “My Vibe,” which converts the phone into a vibrator, “Passion,” which “measures” sexual potency and is activated by grunts and bedposts slamming against a wall, and the “Dirty Fingers Screen Wash,” in which bikini-clad sirens appear to clean the inside of the screen. My thoughts? If you’re too young to handle this kind of shit, you’re too young to have a fucking iPhone. Maybe members of the PTC shouldn’t buy their spawn PDAs. And furthermore, no one is being held at gunpoint and forced to download a cellular clit massager. (And yes, I am currently composing a letter to the BlackBerry people, who clearly need to update their product’s capabilities.)

BRAZIL’S MINISTER OF HEALTH SUGGESTS to his country’s citizens that they have sex five times per week to fend off chronic illness such as diabetes and hypertension. Hell yeah! I’d much prefer coitus to cardio, and I am much happier and have more energy when I’m gettin’ railed on the reg. So this seems like a no-brainer. Consensual sex is a workout, makes self-esteem skyrocket, and releases “happy hormones” such as dopamine. Brazilians know their shit, clearly.

DUMB & DUMBER

Who Will Save Lindsay Lohan?

By Elizabeth C.

ANY SECOND NOW, WE’LL HEAR DINA LOHAN exclaiming that everybody’s making a big deal out of Lindsay putting a gun to her mouth and then tweeting the picture.

“She’s just a kid!,” she’ll wail. “She’s under a lot of pressure! Leave her alone!”

To which somebody, anybody, should tell her to fucking wake up, get a grip. That she’s displaying the most blatant example of enabling that Hollywood’s seen this ratings season.

CROWDED HOUSE

Poop Patrol & Pancakes: A New York Housewives Recap

By Sexy Chatty Catty

THE ADDITION OF SONYA MAKES THE OPENING APPLE-HOLDING MONTAGE LOOK CROWDED. SOMEBODY’S GOT TO GO.

I won’t even go into Jill’s vet visit to her condo. I just hate looking at that place which she evidently thinks is the height of fashionable New York abodes. Not my style AT ALL. I can’t even describe it’s awfullness. So I let it distract me while Jill, the vet, the vet’s assistant and a random Jill friend scurried around picking up poop from her yappy little dog.

So let’s move on to Alex and Bethenny’s chat at Alex’s Brooklyn townhouse. Bethany tells us that Alex is an “unconditional” friend and it’s a relief have her to confide in. She shows her the ring and Alex does the squeal. Talk about the height of decorating, her new kitchen is so fucking fab, I love it. It’s everything Jill’s overly-decorated cupcake of a condo is not: clean, cool and comfortable.

Alex is genuinely happy for her and touched that she’s among the first to know about the engagement. They toast water glasses and eat salads.

TIME FOR AULD LANG SYNE

Sayonara, Siobhan: Idol’s Independent Spirit Nixed

By Nicki R.

WITH A STANDING OVATION FROM THE AUDIENCE, A HUG FROM SIMON, and with her family fighting back tears, Siobhan Magnus got the ceremonious boot from American Idol Wednesday night.

When the results were announced, the Hyannis, Mass. lass was left standing center stage with Big Mike and Casey James, who both squeaked by to survive another day. Ryan praised Siobhan’s “independent spirit, laser focus, incredible work ethic,” and Randy forecasted a “major career” for her.

Shania’s Idol: A Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock ‘N Roll.

HELLO & GOODBYE

Surprise Ending For Sandra & Jesse, Hollywood’s Beauty & The Beast

By Madi S.

SANDRA BULLOCKGETS A HOLLYWOOD ENDING TO HER MARITAL DRAMA.

After two months of living in secret, the actress reveals to People that she’s adoping a baby — and ending her tulmutuous marriage to Nazi sympathizer Jesse James.

After news that her husband had a series of affairs with tattooed tricks, the Oscar-winning actress went in hiding. Now she emerges with a brand new baby boy, Louis Bardo Bullock, named after jazz musician Louis Armstrong.

Talking like a proud mama Sandra told the mag, “You wake up, you feed, you burp, you play, you do laundry …I’m still in that stage where I’m just amazed with him and at life.”

People also posted Jesse’s reaction to the news: “The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own, has been the hardest.

ON DEMAND

Coming Soon: Real Housewife Danielle Staub’s Sexxy Home Porn

By Sexy Chatty Catty

YEEE-HAW! RIDE HIM COWGIRL!

Coming soon to video: New Jersey’s Real Housewife Danielle Staub’s home sex flick.

The tape that Staub sued to halt release of will be hitting the market just in time for the return of New Jersey’s Real Housewives.

The 45-minute tape shows Staub doing the deed with an ex beau who is presumedly Steve Zalewski, who famously told another Housewife that Danielle was only good for blow jobs.

Viewers won’t get to see her displaying her talent for BJs, but they will get to see Staub’s pierced, Brazilianed twat riding atop someone — Zalewski denies that it’s him — along with some missionary, some doggy style, and some pile-driving. She’s quite talented.

She also definitely thinks she’s sexy, and you can tell that she really was enjoying herself. In it she’s taut and toned but her implants are a little wonky.

STAND AND DELIVER

Shania’s Idol: A Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock ‘N Roll

By Nicki R.

WITH JUST SIX CONTESTANTS LEFT, SHANIA TWAIN arrives to mentor these wannabes on serving their country. With one notable exception, she proves deft at manipulating them to up their game.

Starting the show, Lee sings You’re Still the One. I support Lee because he’s a Chicago local like myself and he’s a damn good singer

RULING OUT THE CAUSES

Looking At The Bright Side Of Bret Michaels’ Illness

By Miz J

THE BAD NEWS IS THAT BRET MICHAELS HAD A BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. THE GOOD: it wasn’t from syphilis.

No, it’s not from a bus accident or a stripper pole impalement.

It’s not a broken heart from a rose with a thorn.

It’s not anything he deserved.

FABULOSITY WINS

When You Know You’re The Shit: RuPaul’s Drag Race Finale

By Sexy Chatty Catty

LET’S GET THIS EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAAAAAA STARTED!

“I’m still here — the story of Juju,” Raven purrs. All three dolls — razor-edged Raven, the other Tyra and sultry Jujubee — are in shock that Juju’s still around after having to lipsync for her life three times.

Raven cattily asks her to wash Tatty’s parting message off the mirror. “She was your friend,” Tyra meows, “and you sent her home.”

Ru greets the best of the best in a she-mail but it’s Santino and Meryl who enter the work room to announce the final challenge. They say Ru’s getting ready for a music video of her theme song, Don’t Be Jealous Of My Boogie in which the dolls will co-star.

For the final showdown, they’ll also have to act in a short, Dynasty-inspired scene with Ru. And, with the help of stylist Robert Verdi, create an 80s-style power bitch look, also for the video. Shoulder pads, anyone?

Since the 80s are their inspiration, choreographer Brian enters with a mustache, high side ponytail, skirt and heels to whip them into shape. They call him a fierce little white man. Tyra covers a yawn which shows us how interested she is in it all. They practice falling gracefully after being hit in the face, then learn how to walk and shove. Yes, I said walk and shove. They marvel at growing up to be in a RuPaul video. It’s something just beyond their wildest dreams.