HAPPY HOME

Are We Happy Yet?

By Staff

SMILEY FACES PEER OUT THE WINDOWS of a Chicago home, brightening an overcast day.

IN THE NAME OF ‘SALES’

As World Crumbles, Carly Simon’s Marketers Revive Guessing Game

By Uncle Billy Cunctator

DAVID GEFFEN’S WORTH about $4 billion, dates pretty college boys, buys $100 million paintings and tries semi-unsuccessfully to keep the world away from his Malibu beachfront property.

Over on the other coast, Carly Simon, who doesn’t consider herself “not gay,” has been living below the radar on Martha’s Vineyard (who is this Martha anyway?).

Back before digitally-recorded history, when Divad was Carly’s producer at Elektra Records, she recorded a song called You’re So Vain which made her rich enough to buy the Eastern Seaboard. But it also generated a mystery.

The question: “Who is so vain?” has lasted for 38 years.

LIFE, ACTUALLY

“Real” Wounds Are Visible On O.C’s Housewives

By Sexy Chatty Catty

VICKI’S HOME IN HER BEAUTIFUL COTO BACKYARD ENTERTAINING, OF ALL PEOPLE, JEANNA.

They chat about the San Francisco weekend, Tamra’s betrayal and Brianna’s illness. And while Jeanna frequently nods in sympathy, she tells us that Vicki probably deserved the treatment she received. That she hasn’t always been a best friend to her over the years and “sometimes you get what you give.”

Remember Vicki kinda dropped her once her financial circumstances changed for the worse and wouldn’t lend her money. She once again bemoans the loss of fun.

Alexis takes her mom to the plastic surgeon’s office — a “before” surgery example if I’ve ever seen one. Alexis tells us all about her previous surgeries and how wonderful they were. At first her mom only wants a brow lift. After the surgeon goes over her face she ends up ready to spend 13 grand for all kinds of stuff for “rejuvenation.”

EYES WIDE SHUT

Only The Most Inhumane Argue Tilikum Belongs In Captivity

By Elizabeth C.

JUST DAYS AFTER SCIENTISTS WHO REFUSE TO STUDY DOLPHINS IN CAPTIVITY argued that those marine animals should be deemed “nonhuman persons,” a six-ton Orca confined in tanks at Florida’s SeaWorld killed a human for the third time.

It was just last Sunday at the annual American Association for the Advancement of Science conference that scientists debated whether dolphins deserve special rights because of their human-like qualities.

“Dolphins appear to be self-conscious, unique individuals with distinctive personalities, memories and a sense of self, who are vulnerable to a wide range of physical and emotional pain and harm, and who have the power to reflect upon and choose their actions,” Thomas I. White of the Oxford Centre for Animal Ethics reportedly told the crowd.

The proof? Researchers have found in studies that dolphins whose bodies were “marked” quickly swam to observe their reflections in a mirror. Because these experiences verified self-awareness, these same scientists have vowed not to study dolphins in captivity because they believe it’s cruel.

THE WAVE

Any Way You Look At It, This Half Glass House Is Full Of Wit & Style

By Elizabeth C.

IS THIS HALF GLASS HOUSE EMPTY OR FULL? I suspect sold out.

If all glass houses looked like this, I’d be happy to live in one. This 140-apartment Denmark development by Henning Larsen Architects is called Wave Residences/Bolgen and is situated along the shores of Vejle Fjord. The development, completed in 2009, was deemed the “most spectacular residential building of 2009 by the professional trade magazine Building.”

Without seeing any of its competitors, we’ll buy that.

It’s like how I want my life to be: light, bright, clean, modern, transparent and forward-thinking.

Where’s the papers? I’m ready to sign on the dotted line.

FIRST CUT

Surprises In American Idol First Cuts Of The Season

By Nicki R

TENSIONS ARE HIGH WHEN THE FIRST ELIMINATIONS OF AMERICAN IDOL’S ninth season are announced. The night’s results were tallied after 24 million votes were cast.

Sent packing first is Janell Wheeler who had sung Heart’s What About Love. I was certain Janelle would be safe for one more week; I was very wrong and disappointed.

Up next is shocking red-haired Allison Iraheta who sings Scars, the second single off her debut album Just Like You. The 17-year-old fan fav jokes on stage that she feels like she’s about to be eliminated. “I’m just glad I’m not in their shoes right now.”

TOO CUTE FOR WORDS

Picture Perfect: Nicole Ritchie Shows Off Baby Sparrow In Paris

By Elizabeth C.

AWWWW, AREN’T THEY PRECIOUS?

And there is not a hint of snark in that comment.

Nicole Richie released a pic of her 5-month-old son son on her website today giving him a smooch while standing before the Eiffel Tower.

“In the City of Lights with my true love,” Nicole tweeted today.

The adopted daughter of Lionel and Brenda Ritchie has turned into quite a beautiful lady who seems like her head’s screwed on pretty straight. At least, by Hollywood standards. She’s proof it’s possible to grow up privileged and grounded. Or what maybe that’s what babies will do for you.

Thanks for sharing this beautiful pic, Nicole.

A GRIM FAIRY TALE

Brangelina Cling To The Fairytale That Is Them

By Elizabeth C.

ONCE THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE NAMED BRANGELINA.

They shared a name because neither was as important in the world without the other. They completed either other like peanut butter and jelly; like salt and pepper.

But dark forces conspired against them: age was approaching. And paparazzi were stealing forbidden glances inside their kingdom.

And what they found was shocking!: The perfect whole was a fraud! The couple fought like cats and dogs! Their breath smelled in the morning! And their feral children played with knives and ate candy at every meal.

GIRL POWER

What Are American Idol Girls Are Made Of? Pop, Rock, Folk & Schmaltz

By Nicki R

THE TOP 24 CONTESTANTS have been chosen and now the real contest begins.

Last night’s show started off with a lot of laughs, and what began as possible friction between Ellen and Simon turned out to be a big joke.

Ellen sits far away from Simon and claims he can’t keep his hands off her. She shows a faux video of him putting his paws on her during Hollywood week. She may not be able to hold a tune, but Ellen sure delivers the laughs.

For the next three weeks, the top 24 will sing hits from Billboard‘s charts. Tonight though it’s all about the ladies, and Simon predicts a girl’s going to take it all this year.

First up is Paige Miles who sang Free’s It’s Alright Now.

GIRL POWER

What Are American Idol Girls Are Made Of? Pop, Rock, Folk & Schmaltz

By Nicki R

THE TOP 24 CONTESTANTS have been chosen and now the real contest begins.

Last night’s show started off with a lot of laughs, and what began as possible friction between Ellen and Simon turned out to be a big joke.

Ellen sits far away from Simon and claims he can’t keep his hands off her. She shows a faux video of him putting his paws on her during Hollywood week. She may not be able to hold a tune, but Ellen sure delivers the laughs.

For the next three weeks, the top 24 will sing hits from Billboard‘s charts. Tonight though it’s all about the ladies, and Simon predicts a girl’s going to take it all this year.

First up is Paige Miles who sang Free’s It’s Alright Now.