STALE BUT STILL EDIBLE

Friday’s Leftovers: News Too Good To Toss Back

By Crabby Staff

HERE’S SOME NEWS STORIES THAT ALMOST GOT AWAY FROM US THIS WEEK:

The DALAI LAMA EXHORTED JOURNALISTS this week “to “have long noses like elephants” that “should smell in front and also behind.” We agree. It’s a dirty job when real reporters do it, but too many who claim the title are just poseurs.

FINANCIAL OPPOSITES ATTRACT, OR SO FOUND a study jointly performed by researchers at Northwestern University and the Wharton School of Business. The researchers suggest that “those who find it painful to spend…are attracted to people who are more liberal in their approach to money” — even though most people say they want to marry someone with similar spending habits. Proving once again that reason doesn’t factor into marriage.

A DETROIT BANK ROBBER said he started sticking banks up because he was ” so stressed and depressed.” He claims he first robbed to get his mother’s plumbing fixed and his license “reinstated.” Jimmie Lee Fortune, 29, was sentenced to only two years by a federal judge because he had been an “outstanding citizen” before his crime spree. If only that judge lived in Chicago!

AND CHARLES DARWIN WAS RIGHT AGAIN: this time it was the famed naturalist’s grandson who posited in the 1950s that ” fish and other sea swimmers…contribute significantly to currents as they moved forward,” according to AFP. His theory was pooh-poohed, but a new study “goes a long way toward rehabilitating the 20th century Darwin.” Those Darwins, always starting arguments.

FINALLY, A BROUHAHA BROKE OUT between psychologists and the online encyclopedia Wikipedia. A Canadian doctor published all 10 Rorschach inkblots and the most commonly given responses to them — provoking a firestorm from shrinks who say “patients will try to outwit them by memorising the ‘right’ answers.” The psychologist test devised in 1921 has been criticized as “frequently ineffective.”

What can you deduce about us if we tell you that such psychological disobedience thrills us?

IT’S CALLED MANIPULATION

American Idol Is ‘Fixed?’ Meh

By Nicki R

REALLY, WOULD ANYBODY BE SURPRISED TO FIND OUT THAT American Idol is rigged?

Former Idol semi-finalist Ju’ Not Joyner claimed just that during an online chat and coined a new word to describe its contracts: “slavetracts.”

“I met some cool folks but overall, it’s a fixed thing if I ever saw one,” Joyner said during an online conversation at AI Now. “The producers know who they want and they slant it to reflect that.

TRASH INTO TREASURE

Artist Cheeming Boey Redeems The Lowly Styrofoam Cup With Pen

By Elizabeth C.

WHAT’S BLACK AND WHITE AND READ ABOUT ALL OVER?

That would be the lowly styrofoam cups turned into coveted works of art by California artist Cheeming Boey.

At age 29, the Malaysian native has transformed himself from computer graphics designer into what he calls the “Styrofoam Cup King.”

Boey moved to the U.S. to go to school in San Francisco. Soon after settling in and finding a favorite coffee shop, he began drawing on cups out of a shortage of paper.

According to the Orange County Register, “Suddenly, a light bulb went off in his head. I knew I was onto something. It was beautiful.”

From that blink of an idea, Boey has moved from selling 4 cent cups for up to $220 apiece.

At those prices, it makes you want styrofoam to last forever.

The above examples are but a few of his extensive collection you can check out on his Flickr account here.

TUNE UP

This App Lets You Hone In On Legal ‘Stop ‘N Cops’

By Cory Fosco

IF YOU CAN GET A SCRIPT FOR MEDICINAL MARIJUANA, YOU’LL NEED TO DOWNLOAD yourself the Cannabis iPhone app.

Ajnag.com, the makers of the appropriately titled wireless “application” allows users to sniff out suppliers of medical marijuana in 13 states.

The $2.99 app not only reveals the source but also provides directions with the aid of Google Maps. And if you’re busted in one of the 37 states where pot hasn’t been decriminalized, you can use the tool to locate lawyers in the area who specialize in beating marijuana cases.

According to Pulse2.com, Ajnag will donate 50 cents from each sale to create a cannabis reform group once 1,000 are sold, a milestone reportedly reached by July 22nd. Think of the riches! $500 to fight the war on drugs! I guess you have to start somewhere.

We’re guessing it won’t be long now before people might be able to use their iPhone to hone in on the nearest “stop and cop” corner. Think: iBong, iBowl, or maybe even iOneHitter. I’m claiming those domains now!

Chicagoland writer Cory Fosco is a graduate of Northwestern University’s master’s in writing program. He spends his time with his wife, two children, and Rex the dog. You can read his blog at A Year Till 40.

GRANDMOMMY DEAREST

Will Mommy Disappoint Again? Art Imitates Life On Tori’s Home Sweet Hollywood

By Sexy Chatty Catty

TSK, TSK, CANDY SPELLING. At 63, you should realize that the most important thing in life is family. Even if it isn’t the truth that Tori was trying to be the bigger person and have you FINALLY meet your grandchildren. So what! Somebody’s gotta take that role eventually.

According to the Los Angeles Times, Grandmom didn’t meet Tori’s kids after saying she would. She said Tori made “the agonizing decision” to invite her. It didn’t seem agonizing to me and I think you’re being a big, fat drama queen. Playing games at 63, shame.

I can totally see not having your first meeting with your grands on camera. But I’m sure if you communicated that to Tori she would agree in a minute. This entire situation is just too complicated and to this outsider — too stupid to believe. I’d think it was for ratings if I didn’t see the very real longing in your daughter’s face. I think if I’m to perfect my status as Crabby’s resident Tori Spelling fanpert (fan and expert? Ahaha) I’ll have to read both Tori and Candy Spelling’s books. I’ll get right on that.

Meanwhile, the question in Tori and Dean TVland is still — will she or won’t she? Will Candy show up at baby Buggy’s 1st birthday party?

TV TALK

Fox’s More To Love Delivers Heavy Load Of Maudlin

By Sexy Chatty Catty

WAS I EVER SO WHINY, DESPERATE OR NEEDY AS THESE CHICKS ON MORE TO LOVE? DEAR GOD, PLEASE TELL ME NO.

I almost didn’t watch Fox’s latest desperate love reality show because of its endless promotions, and a fear that it might hit too close to home. (Weight issues.)

So I watched between my fingers. And what I can say is that I won’t be returning if every future weepy conversation is about how fat the contestants are, how they never date, envy their skinny friends, are the last to get picked, skipped the prom, oh, and did you know they’re FAT. But love us anyway. Ay yi yi.

So these big but lovable girls emerge from the requisite limos in dresses all sparkly and satiny. Satin! The worse thing a big girl can wear!

CHEAP AND TACKY

Report: American Apparel CEO Thinks Ugly Salespeople Might Be Its Problem

By Elizabeth C.

THE WEB’S HOME STATION FOR RIGHTEOUS SNARK GAWKER caught wind from a tipster that American Apparel CEO Dov Charney is demanding that poor-performing stores send in photos of their sales staff.

Gawker reports that “Dov” personally reviewed the photos and “if you weren’t to his liking, then boy… watch out … Employees who aren’t up to Dov’s “look” and whose work ethic is “just ok” are being targeted and scrutinized and the minute they make small mistakes, they are being fired. But it’s only because Dov wants to weed out the “ugly people.”

On behalf of average looking people everywhere, we applaud Gawker for its muckraking and, ever the opportunist, would like to seize upon this moment to skewer AA retro seventies’ polyester fashions.

The shit always rolls downhill, so of course “Dov” can’t conceive that his boring clothing and its relatively high prices might be responsible for slow sales.

Take for instance, the above photos of T-shirts. On the left is one from AA sold in a three-pack priced at $51 — or $17 apiece.

The photo on the right shows a similar T sold in a two-pack at Wal-mart for $6 — or $3 apiece. Can you see much difference from the pictures? I didn’t think so.

Of course, AA has other “hot” clothing circa 1975 that would be popular with the Golden Girls. There’s this lovely day-into-night blue
chambray pantsuit that can be worn by nurses all over our great nation. Just add a pair of crocs and you’ll be ready for a day of dispensing medicine and changing bedpans!

Or how about this conversation piece: baggy turquoise sweater matched with pink tights, striped socks and black high heels. We think if we saw the most lithe beauty wearing it down Michigan Avenue it would still be more like a “point and whisper” piece, and we wouldn’t be saying nice things.

The news media keeps spitting out stories about how this most severe of economic downturns has really changed our spending habits.

If good taste is finally winning out over disposable clothing, count us among the relieved.

IT’S A MOVIE, PEOPLE

Silly Orphan Is More Camp Than Cautionary Tale

By Nicki R

SO THE MOVIE ORPHAN IS PROVOKING PROTESTS FROM ADOPTION GROUPS who fear it may frighten potential adoptive parents.

Come on people! There’s a housing slump too and I don’t hear anybody blaming it on fearful would-be buyers watching
The Haunting in Connecticut.

“The movie Orphan does no favors for the boys and girls who share its name,” Jedd Medefind, president of the Christian Alliance for Orphans, tells The Christian Post. “It seems to suggest that orphans are damaged goods and that adoption could destroy your life. With all the challenges they already face, orphans deserve better.”

I saw Orphan this weekend, and let me reassure Mr. Medefind that he’s wasting his breath. The movie’s provocative “twist” is laughably ridiculous.

ANGST ELEVATED TO ART

AMC Promotes Mad Men Premiere With ‘Mad Men Yourself’!

By Elizabeth C.

WE AT CRABBY ARE AMONG THE LEGIONS waiting with bated breath for the new season of AMC’s Mad Men.

Being the advertising geniuses that they are over at Sterling Cooper, they’re creating buzz in advance of the August 16th premiere with a new Mad Men Yourself! web tool.

“Make your Facebook, Twitter, or iPhone reflect the look of “Mad Men’s” iconic characters,”‘ the promo copy reads. “Users can select details from ‘body type’ and ‘physical features’ to ‘clothing’ and ‘setting’ to create an avatar that is truly a visual representation of themselves.

Crabby dressed herself in a vintage dark dress that both hugs and softens the wide curves. A martini’s in one hand, a newspaper ever present in the other. But let’s not kid ourselves: the avatar is sooo much more glamorous than the real person. But I can pretend, right?

BUZZ ABBREVIATED

Tabloid Trash Talk

Emma Watson Grows Up, Misha Barton Falls Down, Brit Fears Sons’ Death Threat

By Vegas

WELL PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE PEANUTS, WE’VE FINALLY GOT SOME CELEBRITIES STEPPING IT UP to get back in the tabloids.

The reign of reality show non-celebs and the endless, morbid Michael Jackson coverage may finally be drawing to a close.

Mischa Barton deserves special thanks for her complete meltdown earlier this month that landed her in the psych ward and gave all of the tabloids something to talk about besides the mess that is Jon and Kate Gosslin.

According to Us Magazine, the failure of her latest film Homecoming sent Misha into a downward spiral of self pity and out-of-control drug use.

While her rep denies reports of a three-day cocaine binge, that’s what all the tabloids are alleging. Her puffy-faced pics with the story don’t necessarily jive with her coke-head image but it definitely indicates that she’s been over-indulging in something. She’s come a long way from the freshfaced beauty who won everyone over in the O.C. And her extended stay in Thalians Mental Health Center has put her upcoming role in the new TV show, The Beautiful Life in jeopardy.

The National Enquirer reports that show producer Ashton Kutcher and his wife Demi Moore want to try and save Mischa with the power of Kabbalah.

According to the Enquirer, Ashton hand-picked Barton for the role in which she will play a washed up, aging super model. (“Aging?” She’s not even thirty!) So he feels some responsibility towards her and to the studio for her promise of work.

Props to Emma Watson who, at the age of 19, is finally growing out of the awkward Hermione Granger nerd phase and has strut her stuff on recent red carpets looking like a smokin’ hot movie star.

OK! and Us both feature two pages of photos of Emma rockin’ some high end designer gear and making her Harry Potter co-star Rupert Grint look like a total dirt bag. (Jeez, Rup, get it together.) Or in Dan Radcliffe’s case like a sodding fop.