IT’S STICKY IN HERE

The Stars of MTV Music Awards: Gizz And Vampires

By Elizabeth C.

BARE ASSES, GIZZ JOKES, INVITATIONS TO FART AND SWOONING OVER VAMPIRES were the stars of Sunday night’s MTV music awards.

The highlights: an angel-winged Sacha Baron Cohen in character landed bare-assed in Eminem’s lap, leaving him huffing and puffing and storming out of the show. And the vampire flick Twight took home five plastic popcorn awards, including one for best kiss that led actor Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart to feign a leadup to the film’s kiss.

The tight, two-hour show opened with Saturday Night Live‘s Andy Sandberg as shit-covered slumdog who lusts after a droopy eyed vampire, strips naked for a bath with a woman only to be teleported onto the U.S.S. Enterprise and ultimately arrive in the back of Justin Timberlake’s stretch limo naked. Sandberg climbs naked over Timberlake to get out of the car. “Not working!” “Not working!” shouts Timberlake in mock horror. “Your penis looks like Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas,” Timberlake says.

The scene set the tone for the rest of the night, with SNL’s Dick In A Box, and Gizz In My Pants a running joke.

After the mock montage opened, Sandberg welcomed the audience to “the only award show that’s on TV tonight!” and then laid a few ground rules.

“Rule no 1: It’s cool to fart here,”‘ he said, singling out Leighton Meester for permission. Rule no. 2: Keep your speeches short or face getting cut off by the keyboard cat.

A DREAM REALIZED

The Prime Of Miss Susan Boyle

By Elizabeth C.

TO ANY CLAIMS THAT THAT SUSAN BOYLE LOST BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT, that her second-placed finish was a “dream lost,” let me sputter an emphatic pish posh! Nothing could be further from the truth.

Since delivering her soaring rendition of Les Misérables’ I Dreamed A Dream on stage about seven weeks ago, Boyle’s performance has been viewed more than 220 million times, according to Visible Measures, an internet video research firm. The 47-year-old spinster and cat owner has become an international touchstone of the true beauty of talent and simplicity. She is a light to millions, reports of her potty mouth be damned.

Though she may have come in second to a dance troupe calling itself Diversity, Miss Boyle clearly won the competition by surviving the intense scrutiny that comes with stepping on the world-wide stage. “This show is all about manipulating the eagerness for celebrity among vulnerable, often desperate people,” David Wilson, a professor at Birmingham City University, told the New York Times. “The more tears, humiliation, conflict and embarrassment, the more the public loves it.”

THE WEDDING SEASON

Ring of Fire: ‘The Proposal’

By Sophia Ulmer

AHH, THE INCEPTION OF SUMMER. LOVE PERFUMES THE AIR. The weather locks into a steady temperature and apparently couples are compelled to do the same. June is the most popular month to securely fasten the ol’ ball-n-chain, to make it legal, to lock ‘er down.

Every marriage begins not with a wedding, but a proposal, the make-it-or-break it moment. I don’t envy the task of the proposer, nor do I envy the discomfort of a less-than enthused proposee. Proposals are terrifying, no doubt, but when executed skillfully, that shit’ll last forever.

The best proposal of which I am aware was done by an animator name Jeff — to his now-wife Natasha — and was featured on TLC’s series A Perfect Proposal.

Jeff enlisted the help of co-workers and students to create an animated short at the end of which he asks Natasha to marry him. They screened the short flick in a dark movie theater, with their friends and family, unbeknownst to Natasha, sitting behind them. This is television production at its best!

Another valiant effort caught on tape was done by this British guy, who I can’t tell if is super cute or just has a super cute accent. Regardless, this is another golden proposal attempt: in addition to his fiancée’s parents, he also consulted “the animals in the wood.” He’s a real Prince Charming.

DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL

This Time I’m With Adam: He Owes No Explanation About His Sexual Preference

By Elizabeth C.

SPECULATING ABOUT THE SEXUAL PREFERENCE OF ADAM LAMBERT HAS BEEN a favorite pastime among America’s blathering classes ever since he ascended to stardom on American Idol.

Among the evidence feeding the chatter are pictures on the web of Adam with a presumed boyfriend, flamboyant poses of him in drag, and his generally fantastic use of glitter, makeup and eyeliner.

Now ABC reports that Idol judge Kara DioGuardi told the ladies of The View that Adam was “always openly out.”

Inquisitr surely made that point back in February when it headlined a piece, “Is American Idol’s Adam Lambert Gay? Is there really any question?”

Adam himself crowed to People this week, “It’s a really, really cool thing…to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you’re about, and never make apologies for it.” To which some responded that he was using “ambiguous double-speak that’s usually reserved for politicians in crisis-management mode.”

But here’s the deal: Adam is clearly comfortable in his own skin, maybe even likes the line blurred. He doesn’t seemed burdened by his sexuality. Why are we so obsessed with it?

Maybe it takes courage to say “I’m gay”; but maybe he’s already said that to the people who matter most to him. Perhaps he’s known it so long that he thinks it’s irrelevant to conversations with strangers.

Just recently two well-known actors who’ve been in the spotlight for decades — David Hyde Pierce and Kelly McGillis — have made public announcements about their sexuality.

Pierce announced yesterday on The View that he was “quietly married” last October to his partner of 24 years, Brian Hargrove.

And McGillis, the sexy love interest of Tom Cruise in Top Gun in February revealed that she is gay.

“I tried really hard not to be who I am. I tried super hard,” she said yesterday on People.com. “It was a difficult journey for me to come to terms and be whole and happy with who I am.”

From afar, that journey doesn’t seem to have been as difficult for Lambert. I could be wrong, but I feel certain about this: He’ll tell us when he’s ready, and that is as it should be.

SUB CULTURE

Trying Out The Cutting Edge

By N. Stag

SO I JUST SHAVED two sections of my head, just above each ear.

I was inspired by some shots of whiskey, the 1983 Bow Wow Wow album cover, the model/socialite Alice Dellal, L.A. band Io Echo, and some nameless ex-punk girl I used to see around Detroit.

I sent my sister in New York a picture and her response lets me know just how un-avante garde she thinks I am.

“Nice,” she texted.

CATS RULE, TAKE TWO

Meet Hugo, The Cat Of A 1000 Faces

By Crabby Staff

MEET HUGO, BONAFIDE YOUTUBE FELINE STAR.

Hugo’s his screen name, but this cool cat’s real name is Walter, we presume the tormented pet of one
jonathanhowells, forced into donning disguises of every imaginable sort.

But life isn’t all bad for Walter, as he’s the talk of chat shows, has his own video series on YouTube, stars in his own Star Wars sequel, is subject of his very own Facebook fan page.

When you’re a celebrity like Walter, you learn to take the good with the bad, sort of like the Gosselin family is finding out.

Remember, baby, cats rule on the web!

FLICK THIS

On The Web, Cats Rule And Dogs Drool

By Crabby Staff

GRAPHIC ARTIST FRANK CHIMERO is an illustrator with a knack for synthesizing information into graphic assertions of truth. Check him out.

THIRD WAVE AMUSEMENTS

At This Visual Smorgasbord, The Choices Are Literal or Figurative

By Crabby Staff

REMIND ME: DID ALVIN TOFFLER PREDICT THAT THE THIRD WAVE WOULD BE SO BEAUTEOUS?

In his futuristic handbook, Toffler predicted that we’d all be living, working, playing from our homes more often. Surely this applies to the artisans and techies who joyfully kick out Photoshop creations for Worth1000.com, the visual playground of Aviary.com whose mission is to “make creation accessible to artists of all genres, from graphic design to audio editing.”

Worth1000, according to the home site, is a “talented community of 500,000 digital artists that participate in amazing daily contests.”

And amazing ain’t no exaggeration. Skip your fingers over to the site and check out the machinations created for contests ranging in themes from Celebrity Vampires to Food Literalisms. I promise it’ll leave you wanting more.

CREATIVE VISUALIZATION

The Donald “Mentally Projects” Billions But Unfazed By Need For New Do

By Elizabeth C.

ANY DAY NOW, A NEW JERSEY JUDGE WILL RULE WHETHER THE DONALD CAN PROCEED WITH A DEFAMATION LAWSUIT AGAINST THE AUTHOR OF A BOOK WHO had the audacity to suggest the real estate mogul and reality TV host overestimates his financial worth by billions.

In the 2005 book, writer (and New York Times’ editor) Timothy O’Brien quoted unnamed sources as saying Trump was worth between a (relatively) paltry $150 million to $250 million.

The Donald took umbrage at the low numbers and sued O’Brien claiming he had damaged his street cred and potential biz deals.

While the two parties wait to see if the case moves forward, let’s review some of The Donald’s revelations in a deposition taken in December 2007.

The Donald reveals that he determines his wealth in part by “mental projections,” according to a Wall Street Journal story.

PHENOM

Susan Boyle Makes Her Encore Appearance

By Elizabeth C.

THE WORLD FORGIVES HER THE SHAKY START THIS GO-ROUND BECAUSE SHE REMINDED US ALL ABOUT THE DANGER OF JUDGING PEOPLE BY THEIR LOOKS: It makes you the ugly one.

Susan Boyle emerged on stage once more in England Sunday night and received rousing applause from the audience and judges.

Has she permanently stolen our hearts? Or will Brits push her over for an underdog as American Idol watchers did state-side?

Ahh, what does it matter? We all know that, regardless of outcome, both Adam Lambert and Susan Boyle are now household names around the world.