YOUTUBE

Billy Mays Couldn’t Sell It Any Better

By Sophia Ulmer

ONCE THE STALE NOVELTY OF CHUCK NORRIS IS FINALLY SHED, Billy Mays ushers in another sardonic subject for Urban Outfitters literature.

Billy Mays, of course, is the bearded champion of nifty infomercial products such as OxiClean. YouTube group Jabo0ody Dubs takes it upon themselves to liven the infomercials of Billy Mays.

My personal favorite, the most quotable, is
Mighty Putty. This video highlights the “fuckin, green to white technology” by which the Mighty Putty activates. Ever notice how all of these products have some kind of glamorized “new technology”?

Billy Mays boasts that Mighty Putty’s strength can outdo even Optimus Prime. Your fat ass break a chair? Fix it with Mighty Putty! “You get the idea.”

Honorable mention is the cleaning product Kaboom. This “fantastic product” alleviates the stress inherent with people pooping in the tub, having sex in vases, and eating spaghetti in the shower. Kaboom, baby.

Other good Billy Mays dubs are for the Neverscrub, a device that goes into the tanks of toilets, with “continuous cleaning that is continuously cleaning” and a fetish-loving woman to endorse it; Hercules Hooks, perfect for hanging “hundreds of fifties of pounds of shit” on your wall; and Zorbees, which is not unlike Sham-Wow, the super-absorbent product endorsed by manic hooker-beating Vince Shlomi.

The appropriation of and creation of meaning for suicide-inducing infomercials? Priceless. Thanks, Jabo0ody Dubs.

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

AMERICAN IDOL

Someone Check The Numbers! Adam Lambert Cuts It Close

By Nicki R

WAS THIS A JOKE? Last night’s American Idol’s elimination ritual shocked — and probably appalled — some viewers.

As Allison Iraheta and Danny Gokey stood on one side with Matt Giraud and Kris Allen on the other, Adam Lambert was asked to choose his expected company.

But when Adam went to stand with Allison and Danny, Ryan Seacrest directed him to stand with the night’s bottom dwellers Kris and Matt!

That’s right folks, Adam Lambert was among the lowest vote-getters this week!

Ryan quickly relieved Kris to safety and the audience was left to guess who would go. Of course that person was Matt. How Adam got to be in the bottom, I don’t know but he certainly wasn’t going home tonight.

Matt was saved once before but now his time was up.

Things heat up now that we’re down to the final four. Next week will be rock week with guest mentor Slash.

I know Allison and Adam will roll right with that theme, but can Danny and Kris handle it? Can’t wait to find out!!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

MEL’S CHANCE AT REDEMPTION

Mel Gibson’s New Lady Friend Is…Octomom?

By Crabby Staff

IS IT US OR DOES MEL GIBSON’S NEW LADY FRIEND LOOK LIKE OCTOMOM?


SAME long hair, same dark eyes, same upturned nose, same suspiciously puffy lips.

Wouldn’t surprise us: Mel has always adored a large brood, having seven of his own with wife of 28 years, Robyn Moore.

EW reports that Mel’s new girl is really Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva, but we think Nadya Suleman would make a better choice.

Just think of the sympathy he would engender? Think of the PR wars he would win!

He could distract us from his Catholic no-no of an impending divorce, and boast of helping someone in need.

Because is there anyone who could use Mel’s help — and millions — more than Nadya?

AMERICAN IDOL

A Tight Race To Lead The ‘Pack’

By Nicki R

TONIGHT THE FINAL FIVE WERE CHALLENGED WITH EVOKING THE SWINGING STYLE OF THE RAT PACK.

When think of Rat Pack music, I think Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr. I wonder if the kids can pull off such crooning, and if this week’s mentor Jamie Foxx can help them add the soul and heart to the swing.

Kris Allen sang Sinatra’s The Way You Look Tonight. I thought Kris did a great job but he didn’t any of his own flair to the song. Randy thought it was his best performance to date, Kara said he was the dark horse in this competition, Paula thought he was impeccable and Simon thought he played it safe. I think Kris will be safe tomorrow.

Allison Iraheta delivered soul to Someone To Watch Over Me. Allison handed in an amazing performance and I think she owned the stage. Randy said she was the bomb, Paula thought she was alluring and tender, but Simon thought her performance was great but that she may be in trouble. I think Allison is going to go far on this show, and if she does end up on the bottom tomorrow, she’s not going anywhere!

Matt Giraud sang My Funny Valentine well. I think this genre of music suits his style. Randy thought it was pitchy and gave it a 6 out of 10. Kara didn’t feel an emotional connection, Paula did and Simon disagrees.…with Randy! He said Matt was believable and “brilliant,” and he could tell that he loved the music. Is there a chance Matt could be in the bottom tomorrow?

Danny Gokey sang Come Rain or Shine. Danny brought a jazz feel to the song and he had a powerful, strong finish. Randy loved it, Kara said he had “swag,” Paula said he was stellar, and Simon said he was outstanding. Danny’s safe for now.

Adam Lambert wrapped up the show by rocking out Feeling Good. This song is one of my favorites and Adam blew me away. Randy said he was in the zone, Kara said he was shockingly good, Paula said better than good, and Simon can tell that he wants to win because he steps it up every week. Adam is going straight to the top.

I thought everyone tonight was pretty good and I haven’t a clue who’s going to be sent packing tomorrow. What do you think?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

DISSING MILEY

What The Fly On The Wall Told Us About Jamie Foxx’s Apology to Billy Ray

By Shakenya Jackson

JAMIE FOXX: Hello?

Billy Ray Cyrus: Yea?

Foxx: This is Academy Award-winning, Grammy nominated singer/songwriter, comedian extraordinaire Jamie Foxx.

BR Cyrus: You cocksu —

Foxx: Wait a minute, blame it on the alcohol!

BR Cyrus: No, you wait a minute! You slick, slimy, S.O.B —

Foxx: But I’m a comedian!

BR Cyrus: How’s telling my daughter to catch chlamydia off of a bicycle or to become a prostitute like my ex-girlfriend, and I use the term girlfriend loosely, Lindsay Lohan funny?

Foxx: (chuckles) Yea, I remember those days. That damn Lohan. You remember that trick she used to do? She called it the…

BR Cyrus: Lolita?! Ha, yeah. [collective sigh and chuckles]

BR Cyrus: Back to the point! Tell that shit to my achy-breaky heart okay?

Foxx: Look, I totally understand where you’re coming from, I have a daughter myself as I explained on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

BR Cyrus: … What? Are you plugging yourself in this apology?

Foxx: I’m deeply hurt by that insinuation. All I meant was that sometimes my comments may be a little Unpredictable, like my last Grammy-award winning album of the same name.

BR Cyrus: (breathing heavily) Are you shitting me?

Foxx: Hell no, no. I mean, use your Intuition as a father. Out here, when I’m on my satellite radio station, Foxxhole, I feel like a SOLOIST with Robert Downey Jr. or something…

BR Cyrus: That wasn’t even smooth!!

Foxx: Listen, I’m not saying I’m a Golddigger…

BR Cyrus: Hanging up…

Foxx: OK, seriously, hear me out. I apologize again, man, sincerely.

BR Cyrus: Are you done yet?

Foxx: Yea, that’s pretty much all I had to say. [Goes into Ray Charles impersonation] It pretty much reminds me of this time in Georgia… Geo —

[Line goes dead]
Miley: Who was that, Dad?

Billy Ray: That damn Foxxhole piece of shit.

Miley: Oh my God, he called you? You didn’t tell him anything…

Billy Ray: Oh, for Pete’s sake! If the goddamn chain smoking and 20-year-old boyfriend doesn’t give away to the world that you’re a 27-year-old playing a wacked-out teenager with multiple personalities then so be it.

Miley: Thanks Dad.

Billy Ray: For the last time, call me B. Rae, much like the alter-ego self-title of my upcoming album: Cyrus: Serious Circus.

Miley: For Pete’s sake, you sound like a cracked-out version of K-Fed! I’m going to the strip club to pick up some new moves for the sex tape.

B. Ray: Miley!

Miley: Dad, it’s a smoking suggestion! You’re no one in this town until you get publicly.

Shakenya Jackson boasts she is among Chicago’s finest writers. She enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.

MUSIC SCENE

Stealing Backstage At ‘Peter, Bjorn & John’

By Elizabeth C.

IT’S FOUR DEGREES OF SEPARATION THAT WHISKS ME BACKSTAGE AT A PETER, BJORN & JOHN CONCERT in Chicago. It’s the second time I’m seeing the SWEDISH trio live and it’s hard to believe it’s the same band dismissed by Entertainment Weekly as “shamelessy earnest adorable.”

The Peter, Bjorn & John rocking at
Metro is more punk than the “pure featherweight, percussion-driven synth-pop” that Leah Greenblatt portrays in her March review.

As the Stockholm trio ratchets up the noise, particularly on the band’s newest single Nothing To Worry About, “indie rock” is much more dominant than the “pop” tag.

“Live, we do rock out,” said Peter Morén, 34, lead singer and guitarist for the Stockholm-based trio shortly after performing in the band’s fourth gig on a 12-city tour around America. “But the records are more pop than the live shows.”

THE PROVOCATEUR

Bea Arthur, Dead At 86, Captured The 70s’ Zeitgeist

By Elizabeth C.

WE CAN’T TAKE CREDIT FOR DIGGING UP THIS YOUTUBE CLIP of Bea Arthur singing a duet with Rock Hudson. The credit goes entirely to EW.com, which warns it’s likes “entering some gay bizarro meta-verse where carefree socialites harmonically chortle about amyl nitrite.”

This 3:22 minute clip gives a glimpse into the alternative universe in which kids grew up in during the 70s. Network telephone shows broadcasted odes to pharmaceuticals while The Brady Bunch‘s dad recommended mother’s little helpers in that series’first episode!

But that was before the advent of Ronald Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign, the rise of conservatism and the spread of prisons as a growth industry.

And just as Isaac Newton hypothesized every action has an equal and opposite reaction, the 80s was the answer to the earlier decade.

Bea Arthur was the provocateur par excellence. I remember as a kid watching her on Maude as she anguished over the decision to have an abortion. What was shocking even then was not the dilemma but that television and Bea Arthur actually dared to explore that gut-wrenching predicament over the airways.

No one since or before has filled her shoes.

SUPERFICIALLY SPEAKING

Tabloid Trash Talk

OK!, National Enquirer Condemn Celebs For Not Keeping Their ‘Social Contracts’

By Vegas

WE’RE WAY PAST PAPARAZZI BURNING FLASHBULBS FOR SNAPS OF CELEBS LIKE Frank, Dino, And Sammy Davis Jr. Now thanks to the weekly tabs we get to know what celebrities eat, what they throw up, which bathroom stall at The Ivy they prefer to snort their drugs in. And, of course, the multitude of ways in which celebs are not living up to their end of the fame-and-fortune bargain.

This week, Star literally lays bare flaws in a six page photos spread of female celebrities caught without their makeup. Unsurprisingly they are, for the most part, still a pretty damn good looking bunch of women.

Miley Cyrus is criticized for leaving her house looking “just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teen girl!” The horror! My God how could a 16-year old girl just leave her house like that, with no makeup on?!?!

And Halle Berry, 42, you should know better! We don’t care if you are raising a one year old daughter, we expect you to be shiny and sparkling at all times!

Jennifer Love Hewitt actually looks a little less frumpy without all of the eye makeup and lace gee-gaws on, and Kristin Stewart looks like a burnout. But — she looks like a really well made-up burnout when she lets a makeup artist do her up.

Jennie Garth and America Ferrera both look a lot younger without all of that crap on their faces. Beyonce? Bitch please. Beyonce’s face is doing makeup a favor when she puts it on.

TRUE CONFESSIONS

Singing Sensation Susan Boyle Admits She’s “Never Stopped” Kissing

By Elizabeth C.

HER SAUCY SWISH OF THE HIPS in the direction of Britain’s Got Talent judges ought to have told us that there is more to Scottish spinster Susan Boyle than meets the eye. Isn’t that what she herself told the judges as she gyrated on stage?

“And that’s just one side of me!,” she said as she confided her age (47) to Simon.

Now her secret’s out!

When she confided to the cameras backstage that she had “never been kissed,” Boyle was fibbing.

“That was made as a joke!,” Boyle said on the U.K. morning show GMTV. “Never been kissed? I’ve never stopped.”

After her dazzling performance, which has now been viewed more than 100 million times worldwide, an amazed Simon told her, “Susan, you are a little tiger, aren’t you?”

Oh gawd, Susan, with your admission now you’ve gone and unleashed the dogs!

At this very moment, as the world witnesses of the prime of Miss Susan Boyle, there are probably tabloid reporters digging up any dirt that exists on you.

Broken hearts? Love affairs? Unpaid taxes? A taste for Scotch?

You can be sure that it’s all coming soon to a tabloid near you.

AMERICAN IDOL

The Race Tightens: Lil Rounds, Anoop Are Out

By Nicki R

THEY WASTED NO TIME REVEALING THE FINAL THREE CONTESTANTS ON TONIGHT’S AMERICAN IDOL.

Lil Rounds‘s time was finally up! Hooray!

I have nothing personal again Lil, but she wasn’t putting out the past few weeks, and ultimately her lack of artistry lost her standing in the race.

Also at the bottom of the vote pile was Anoop, which was expected and…Allison! What?

I would have bet money that Matt would be the one face extinction this week but apparently America disagreed with me.

So who went home? Tthe good week/bad week Anoop or the powerhouse rocker Allison?

Goodbye Anoop, you will be missed!

Just five Idols left!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!