CAN’T BUY ME LOVE

Season Ends for O.C.’s Housewives, And They Lived Unhappily Ever After

By Sexy Chatty Catty

I KNOW I’VE SAID that the OC Housewives bore me.

Not anymore.

This season was way juicier than past ones thanks to the addition of the glamorous “gold-digger” Gretchen and the weepy, airhead Lynne. And the reunion show — OFF THE HOOK.

I have always liked Gretchen while Housewives’ Vicki and Tamra have loathed her from the getgo. Gretchen brings them presents; they bitch about it. Her boyfriend gives her a motorcycle; they bitch again. Both are insanely jealous of her looks, her sweet personality and no-care sex appeal.

Can I be candid here? She has everything they lack PLUS an old, rich, dying boyfriend, the trifecta. And she has it naturally, with no plastic filler.

Also: no children, no high-pressure job, just youth, beauty and the freedom to do as she pleases. And they hate her for it.

These two plastics operate on the Coto de Caza principle that big-boobed + blonde = beautiful. NOT. Neither one is as attractive or as hot as she thinks.

ROUND UP

Dollops Of Info From The News And Features Pages

By Elizabeth C.

NO WORD IS MORE CHERISHED TO JOURNALISTS THAN ”TRANSPARENCY,” so it should be no surprise why the media might be in love with the idea of President Obama.

Our new president promised tall order in his address to Congress Tuesday night. Whether he can actually pull it off remains to be seen, but the earnest righteousness with which he delivers his promises makes us want to believe.

While much of his address was a defense of the government’s unprecedented bailout of American businesses, President Obama also made it a point to say, “In the end there is no program or policy that can substitute for a mother or father who will attend those parent/teacher conferences, or help with homework after dinner, or turn off the TV, put away the video games, and read to their child. I speak to you just as a President, but as a father when I say that responsibility for our children’s education must begin at home.”

If President Obama leaves no other legacy than increased pride and hope for African-Americans, he will have done more for this nation than can be expected of any single human being.

Oh — and big news on the Obamas search for a pet!

TITLE

Oscars Redux: Why The Show Gets A ‘C’

By Marc Sakol

THE OSCARS ARE OVER AND, color me confused, but why Hugh Jackman?

If they were really strapped for someone to host, why not go back to Billy Crystal? I’m sure Steven Colbert would have cleared his schedule; same goes for John Stewart.

Jackman’s Broadway delivery of the jokes felt forced most of the time, and the ones that did work really weren’t that funny. His opening skit paled compared to past years’ video montage, and his tribute to musicals seemed only intended to pad out the ceremonies.

Then there were the presenters. Did anyone else think that having five presenters for the best actor/actress/supportings categories was a bit… too much? It felt like an awards dinner at a Little League game: “You’re all winners, so just cause you don’t take home the biggest trophy don’t think you’re not totally awesome.”

ROLL IT OUT

Oscars’ Red Carpet

By Sophia Ulmer

LET US FOCUS ON THE BIG RED RUG.


Because honestly, the Oscars are cool and all, but they run a little bit too long and are usually pretty predictable. (Seriously, was Slumdog Millionaire not going to win Best Picture and Heath not going to win Best Supporting?) The Red Carpet, however, is the opposite of predictable, and that’s the way I like it.

So I found something on YouTube that caught the good, the bad and the ugly from this year’s show.

The reel begins with Penelope Cruz a woman about whom I can never quite make up my mind. Is she stunning, or does she look like a duck? Anyway, her dress was beautiful, like something I’d want to pour into a cup of coffee. It bordered on wedding-gown-chic, but I think Michelle Obama’s Inauguration ball dress paved the way for that trend.

Next is Kate Winslet one of my Hollywood girl-crushes for sure. And while I am usually not crazy about black on top of another color, I was diggin’ it. Her updo screamed glamorous. I only wish the paparazzi would quit bossing her around in this clip.

And now for some totally bizarre shit: Brad Pitt—lookin’ fly as hell—and Angelina Jolie likewise. Exhibit A: Angelina’s odd choice of earrings. I mean, I like them, I really do. But with black? Call me crazy, and I know she’s a flipping goddess and all, but something seems off. And Exhibit B: The way that the paps requested that Brad move away from her for a photo opp? It just is really obnoxious to me for some reason.

AND THE WINNER IS…

Celebrity Takes A Back Seat To Art At 81st Academy Awards

Slumdog Millionaire Sweeps With Eight Statues, but Sean Penn Steals The Show

By Elizabeth C.

EXQUISITE STAGECRAFT, IMPECCABLE PACING, DISCIPLINED EDITING, EARNEST WRITING AND HUGH JACKMAN‘s charm all combined to make the Academy the biggest winner of the 81st Academy Awards Sunday night.

There were few if any surprises among the winners of Oscar’s top prizes.

As expected, Kate Winslet won Best Actress for The Reader and the late Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor for Dark Knight. His parents and sister “proudly” accepted the award “on behalf of your beautiful [daughter] Matilda.”

Slumdog Millionaire dominated the night, taking home eight awards including the year’s Best Picture award.

Penelope Cruz won Best Support Actress for Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

The only suspense was who would take home the trophy for Best Actor, considered a toss-up between Mickey Rourke as a defeated boxer trying to resurrect his career, and Sean Penn starring as San Francisco AIDS activist who is slain.

Penn took the prize and gave the most passionate, entertaining and engaging acceptance speech of the night. He also generously singled out Rourke for special praise as a courageous artist who “despite a sensitivity [that]…has brought enormous challenge, Mickey Rourke rises again, and he is my brother.”

NINE LIVES SPENT

Rest In Peace, Furry Friend

By Elizabeth C.

CRABBY’S LEATHERED HEART IS FEELING PANGS of mourning as word arrives that the former First Cat Socks, who resided in the White House under the Clinton Administration, has succumbed to throat cancer. Differing news accounts reported that he was somewhere between 18 or 20.

Since 2001, Socks had resided during his post-White House years with President Clinton‘s former and ever loyal secretary, Betty Currie, in Hollywood, Md. Ms. Currie is reportedly “heartbroken” over the loss. Mrs. Clinton released a statement that “Socks brought much happiness to Chelsea and us over the years, and enjoyment to kids and cat lovers everywhere. We’re grateful for those memories.”

Socks, a photogenic and feisty feline adopted as a stray by the Clintons in Arkansas, was the subject of a book of letters with former housemate and nemesis, Buddy the First Dog.

THE CONTEST

The Most Anticipated Contest At The Oscars? The Jennifer — Angelina Showdown

By Elizabeth C.

AMERE 48 HOURS BEFORE THE 81ST OSCARS HIT THE AIRWAVES, WE CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE MACHINATIONS GOING ON PROBABLY MERE MILES APART IN THE BOUDOIRS OF SUPERSTARS JENNIFER ANISTON AND ANGELINA JOLIE.


Aniston is purportedly preparing to come face-to-face with husband-stealer Jolie at a Beverly Hills Oscar eve party tonight with boy toy John Mayer in tow.

If past performance is any indication, odds are that one of the women will be a no-show.

But it will be harder for the enemies to avoid the inevitable stares at Sunday’s Academy Awards, where Jennifer is scheduled to present an award, while Angelina is the long-shot to win best actress for her role in Changeling.

We predict that Angelina will wear her usual monochromatic gown, all the better to show off her pouty painted lips. Jen will wear something slightly less glamorous, more modern, and in a brighter color.

Jen’s beau Mayer told the website PopSugar: “It’s my first Oscars. And it’s my first being an Oscar boyfriend.”

Sunday night’s performance will be the greatest challenge of each woman’s career.

Jen has to look blissfully unrattled by the appearance of nemesis Angelina and Brad Pitt, the fading golden boy with whom she first shared the title as Hollywood’s reigning couple.

For her part, Angelina might rethink any pre-set Botox appointments as she will have to convince that she actually feels joy for the winner of the Best Actress Award.

STEREOTYPES

The Sexploitation Of Racial Taboos In Porn

By SexyChattyCatty

IN A TRIBUTE TO BLACK HISTORY MONTH, AVN, the adult entertainment monthly, called it’s cover story Black Humor. The subtitle: “Is stereotyping in the service of sales okay in the year 2009?” (Talk about a euphemism!)

I’ve often wondered that myself.

First of all, I have a slight problem with the article being called Black Humor. I’m not sure most African-Americans find much humor in titles such as I Can’t Believe You Sucked A Negro or My Daughter Is Fucking a Negro.

But the article explores a subject I’ve never seen written about before.

No doubt there are what I shall call “normal sexual relations” between the races in the movies. Boy meets girls, there’s some foreplay, in and out and nobody gets hurt, at least most of the time.

And these movies are like that too. But, they’re racist.

The image of the large, powerful, well-endowed black man dominating the pale, frail, blonde is certainly alive and well and ingrained in the culture.

I remember many years ago sneaking peeks at the Mandingo books my mother read. The genre was obviously quite popular at the time if it was purchased by my romance loving, dime-store paperback purchasing mother.

FAMILY

Picture Perfect: Tiger Woods And Brood

By Elizabeth C.

GOD I LOVE THIS PICTURE! Looking at it is like inhaling a dose of sunshine. And it’s that damn dog on the right that makes it so endearing!

Let’s talk about those babies first, those beautiful bundles of poop and spit-up and magnetic energy. Sam Alexis is passed the spit-up stage, probably on to potty training. One day too soon, she is going to slay the boys with those big brown eyes and that turned-up nose.

Charlie Axel, born Feb. 8th, is almost as cute as another Charlie I know, born just 24 hour before Tiger’s — cliche alert! — new cub. (Welcome Charlie Mo!)

And what is there to say about Elin except that she’s beautiful and exudes the lightness of being. That Tiger, what a lucky guy. What a lucky family! At least to these eyes.

But it’s those damn dogs that reveal the unfettered joy of this moment. Taz is kissing Tiger on the ear while Yogi noses in on Sam. The hell with the golf trophies, Tiger. This picture takes the prize! Thanks for sharing this gift.

Tiger released the photo and asked any media using it to make a donation to The Tiger Woods Foundation, and I’m going to have to scrape up a few bucks to comply.

Oh, and another aside: thank you Woods family for not succumbing to that newest celebrity craze of auctioning of baby’s first picture. There really is such a thing as class left in the world after all.

THE WISDOM OF SEINFELD

Facebook: Where Worlds Collide

By Elizabeth C.

EVEN BEFORE THE BROUHAHA BROKE OUT OVER FACEBOOK’S CLAIM TO PERPETUAL OWNERSHIP OF EVERYTHING YOU EVER uplinked to its pages, George Costanza would have never approved of it.

To our fictitious Seinfeld friend, posting your name and picture on a social network enabling 175 million other people to find you would be pure folly, the unleashing of potential social disaster.

It was the Seinfeld theory of worlds colliding!

As aptly explained by Marcellus on a Seinfeld blog (but with a little bit of spelling help), “The worlds colliding theory is quite simple.”

“You have your “independent self” (the guy that tells nasty jokes, swears, hangs with the fellas, and is an all around cool guy). And then you have “relationship self” (the guy that does nice things for his lady, leaves the seat down, cooks sometimes. Still a cool guy, but a little adjusted). And then there’s the “family self,” (which is just like relationship self, just a little less wussy).