A Shaggy Dog Story to Brighten the Blight

GRIM TIDINGS HAILED FROM AMERICA’S NEWS PAGES YESTERDAY. You needed a hanky just to glance at the headlines.

Of course, the bloodiest violence reported was the figurative knifing of Senator Barack Obama by his father figure, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who betrayed his protege’s political aspirations by deliberately reiterating his disdain for whitey. The betrayal was excruciating to watch as the result will be the temporary shelving of a presidential campaign. The sad end to a two-decade affiliation reminds us all of the consequences of affiliation. Or as the blog Real Clear Politics put it, "Obama’s Chickens Come Home to Roost." Here’s the lesson for us all: Is there someone in your life you need to jettison? Don’t wait until your judgment is questioned.

Some of the media, witnessing the death of their anointed candidate, moved into overdrive trying to pin the Rev. Wright’s death wish on, guess who, Billary Clinton. Which they should be careful of doing: Painting Hillary and Bill as omnipotent has the direct effect of promoting a Clinton presidency redux. After all, doesn’t the most powerful deserve the title?

Then there was the shockingly unbelievable tale of the incestuous Austrian electrician who imprisoned his daughter for 24 years and fathered seven children with her. The story’s most pressing mystery is how the wife of the man, described as the perfect grandmother," could unknowingly live above the torture chamber that housed her "missing" daughter and grandchildren. This is one for the psychology books.

And, of course, there was the ever-present gloomy economic story measuring Americans’ worries over health insurance, housing values and gas prices.

By now, you’re probably looking for your Prozac. But wait! If you dug deep, you might have found the story of the resilient pooch who survived eight days buried underneath the rubble of a Colorado building that had exploded.

The Springer spaniel Lulu is believed to have survived off snow and scraps. Lulu’s owner, Brian Mislanski, remains hospitalized for injuries suffered in the explosion, but was reportedly happy about dog’s rescue. Friends took the pooch to St. Anthony Central Hospital in Denver to visit Mislanski with the hospital’s okay, according to the Associated Press. Let’s hope he recovers soon.

And so, thanks to Lulu’s good fight, for an instant Crabby forgets about political betrayal, financial debt, incestuous crime and world hunger. Ah, the enduring appeal of a good dog tale!

That Vixen Barbie Is Threatening Islamic Standards, Faces Deportation Or Beheading (Little Do They Know That’s What Routinely Happens in America)

AMERICA’S INSIDIOUS EXPORTATION OF BUSTY DOLLS AND UNEARTHLY SUPERHEROES HAS resulted in an edict handed down by an Iranian official declaring that Western toys are dangerous and must be banned from the Muslim country.

Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi sent a letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi declaring that the toys were threatening the country’s moral standards. "The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter … as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies, are all warning bells to the officials in the cultural arena," Najafabadi’s letter said. He went on to say that the "personality and identity of the new generation and our children, as a result of unrestricted importation of toys, has been put at risk and caused irreparable damages."

As Barbie goes, so goes a nation? Is there really a threat that Muslim women will now shed their burkas or hijabs to reveal unnaturally high arches and missing peeholes? And if that were possible, wouldn’t that promise more "sex safe" than the real equipment?

To be honest, Crabby isn’t a big fan of Barbie herself. She’s always preferred Barbie’s less glamorous younger sister Skipper, foretelling just how big of a square she would be. (Crabby, that is, not Skipper.) And there’s no doubt that one of our biggest exports is sex; aren’t we the best at recognizing the commercial possibilities of anything? So I say to Iran: Good luck in your jihad against Barbie, whom I agree is one trashy sorority sister.

But here’s my thought: Why not create a whole new fashion toy industry making Barbie burkas? Turbans for Spidey? And you can tie tiny carpets together for Harry Potter’s faux magic carpet rides. That might be your best hope against the Western tsunami soon to flood your world. Believe me, you have my sympathies.

Miley Cyrus: Displaying Naughtiness? Or Synergy at Work?

CONGRATS TO MILEY CYRUS AND HER DADDY, BILLY RAY, WHO HAVE succeeded in turning a wholesome TV princess into a poor little rich girl. And doesn’t that always make for ‘more sellable’ story? Because now they have to manufacture dirt to make the just-sold million dollar biography of a privileged 15-year-old more appealing. Oh, and let’s point out, the book’s release date is timed to Miley’s scheduled 2009 tour! Marketing synergy at work, America!

Miley, 15, is the wildly popular star of the Disney tween series, "Hannah Montana,” which makes all little girls think that it’s possible to be both normal AND a rock star. ‘Mommy, don’t they sell the ‘how-to’ kit at the Disney Store at the mall?,’ ask all the dollies, who then sneak off to apply lip gloss and sing into faux microphones before their bathroom mirrors. But Crabby digressses.

So now we find two contrived controversies over Miss Cyrus: Some private snaps of Miley lying on the lap of a teenage boy who looks far from wolfish showing her bra and midriff? She’s wearing more than she would for a day at the pool. And you can bet several more layers than she will next year during her concert tour. But that didn’t stop the tsk, tsking. And the teen queen actually looks pretty and natural in the pose.

Compare that photo to the snaps taken by Vanity Fair’s famed shooter Annie Liebovitz for the mag’s June issue. The shots show an unkempt, sickly Miley draped only in a sheet, which makes it look as though she’s just finished a romp in the sack. And she isn’t pretty: rather, she looks like an average teen you’d find shopping at the Mall of America.

Perhaps not liking the outcome, now Miley and her handlers have put out a statement. "I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed."

Vanity Fair, in its own statement, points out that "Miley’s parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley."

And so the machine kicks in. Crabby bets it’s mere months before Miley shows up wearing a different nose. Don’t you know that refined tips sell more?

Curses! Sorcerers’ ‘Shrinking Penises’ Cause Men to Flee With Cupped Crotches

WOULD A POCKET VOODOO DOLL HOLD THE SAME POWER?

In breaking news from Congo, police have detained 13 "sorcerers" accused of using magic to steal or shrink mens’ penises.

""It’s real,” Alain Kalala, 29, told Reuters. "…We saw. What was left was tiny." Crabby is shuddering.

"Rumors of penis theft began circulating" last week in the country’s capital of Kinshasa. At least 14 "victims" have told police that sorcerers touched them to "make their genitals shrink or disappear" in efforts to extort money for a cure. The rumor has threatened an outbreak of violence.

"I’m tempted to say it’s one huge joke," said Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, Kinshasa’s police chief. "But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it’s become tiny or that they’ve become impotent. …I tell them, ‘How do you know if you haven’t gone home and tried it?’"

Police have round up the accused sorcerers and victims to avoid the type of bloodshed that broke out in Ghana a decade ago, when "penis snatchers" were beaten to death by angry mobs.

Hunger? Corruption? Crime? Ho-hum news from the dark continent. But threaten to shrink a man’s penis and the Western world takes notice.

Crabby wonders if this trick would work in the U.S. using miniature fabric dolls and stick pins. Perhaps then we could neuter violent offenders, sociopaths and run-of-the-mill cads with a touch. We could call it the "shrinking cure" to crime.

Jay-Z, Star Jones: Examples Of How and How Not to Practice Celebritydom

ATIP OF THE HAT TO Jay-Z, who has managed to avoid one of the deadliest traps of fame: turning your personal life into a product.

With confirmation that the Hip-Hop Master tied the knot to his longtime sweetheart Beyonce in a small but lavish affair at his New York pad April 4th, Crabby is in awe of the discipline that Jay-Z has shown at keeping his private life private.

No million-dollar deal with the tabs for exclusive photos. No press release confirming what everyone knows to be true. Rather, Mr. and Mrs. Jay-Z simply show up to apply for a marriage license, throw a party, and then send the signed marriage certificate back. The understatedness is unheard of among those who hold the keys to La La Land, and Crabby bows in admiration.

Contrast that with the commercial crassness of Star Jones made of marriage when she exchanged vows with stock broker Al Reynolds in 2004. The announcement was made on The View, Jones’ gig at the time, and corporate sponsorship was invited. And now we have the sad if expected news that Star and hubby are cutting ties, and Star, recognizing the error of her publicity-seeking ways, doesn’t want to talk about it. So what does she do? She releases a statement to Entertainment Tonight. "Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life," she confessed. "A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone’s life that requires privacy with one’s thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman."

My advice, Star? Observe and mirror the behavior of Jay-Z and his new wife, Beyonce, who evinced with their under-the-radar style that not everything has a price tag.

Once again, congrats to the happy couple. And thanks for keeping it real.

Curiously, Hillary’s Election Spread Is Missing From The Headlines

WHERE ARE THOSE NUMBERS NOW?

For weeks, Americans have been clobbered daily with headlines ascertaining Barack Obama’s increasing influence over the minds and hearts of Pennsylvania voters. Yet, oddly, in the wee hours of the morning, there was a complete absense of any numbers in the victory headlines regarding Senator Hillary Clinton’s primary win. Hopefully, the divide by numbers was missing because the pundits hadn’t had time to pour over the results and not due to some conspiratorial zeitgeist of newspaper editors. But by 2 a.m. Central, there were hints in print that Clinton had scored big.

"Clinton Outduels Obama in Primary,” reported the New York Times. Five paragraphs into the story, the inconvenient truth appears: "Incomplete returns from Pennsylvania showed Mrs. Clinton leading 55 percent to 45 percent." Someone needs to tell those wizened wizards at the old Gray Lady that they buried the lede.

The USA Today declared, "Clinton boosted by big win in Pa. primary" in a 15-paragraph story that did not mention the margin at all. But Crabby gives credit where credit is due: there was that handy graphic nearby showing in small numbers that Clinton beat Obama by 10 percent. Why not in the headline? Why not in the story?

My beloved Wall Street Journal (RIP, sweet, wonderful stalwart that you were,) declared "Clinton Defeats Obama In Pennsylvania Primary." And paragraph four includes like this, "Tuesday night she held a 55%-to-45% majority, with about 94% of the vote reported — short of the blowout many strategists said she needed." A win may not be a win in some minds, but 10 percent is a strong advantage in any sport, including the bloodiest known called politics.

Finally! Someone mentions the point-spread in the lede! The Washington Post pulled no punches when it delivered the bad news to Obamaphiles. Right there, in the first sentence, it said, " Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton won the Pennsylvania presidential primary decisively on Tuesday night, running up a 10-percentage-point victory that bolstered her case for staying in the race for the Democratic nomination."

Wow, a newspaper that actually uses the archaic "inverted pyramid" to tell a breaking news story. The Post writers much be gray if they know it; seems nobody much practices it anymore. But then, what do they know about news reporting over at that rag?

At Last, ‘Bitter’ Has Its Heyday

FINALLY, SOUR, RESIGNED PEOPLE ALL ACROSS PENNSYLVANIA WILL HAVE THEIR DAY OF RECKONING. The slapfest between the junior Senator from Illinois and the junior Senator from New York reaches its apex today in Pennsylvania’s rich, contrarian soil. Today’s highly anticipated brawl is billed as potentially a knock-out fight. I say may the best bitch win.

Crabby, a bitter, native Pennsylvanian, suspects that those who are betting on a KO will lose: I’m waging Billary wins with an 8 to 12 percent margin. But I’ll happily eat crow if I’m wrong; crow is a constant on the bitter’s menu.

Because ‘bitter’ is the name of today’s game, Crabby has scoured the web looking for all things jaded to entertain the hard-hearted. Here’s some misery to keep you company until the primary results are in.

Bitter Voters For Barack Obama. They are not angry at Obama for pointing his finger at the problem; they are angry at the world, or maybe just Hillary. Even has a "voices of the bitter" link.

Bitter Americans. Great junkyard header with the tagline: "Damn right I’m bitter." Who knew that Obama was tapping into a special interest?

Dear Bitter Guy. Advice for the love-lorn from "Mr. Bitter Guy" who promises to "solve your relationship problems & life’s anxieties." Just don’t take his advice.

bitterwaitress. The head server here swears she only blogs for the free chow. Can you imagine how bitter she must be after nearly 10 years of kvetching about bad tippers? Just thinking about it gives me chills. (By the way, congrats!)

Bitter Old Maid In Brooklyn. Her motto? "Sweet is a treat, but bitter is better." She invites all comers to "share the bile!"

Bitter Tonic. Promises "comedy, satire, humor, funny videos and other ways to dull the pain." Apply the salve!

Old Bitter Balls. Only for the most bitter among us. Joyfully dark, sour, nasty, gross, probably should avoid at all cost. Blogger describes himself as "vile," advises wearing "depends when reading." Click at your own risk. I’m probably going to spend time in purgatory just listing this site to satify my ”bitter’ urges.

The Bitterest Pill. Okay, this guy Dan Klass is really pathetic. Describes himself as "failed actor/former comedian/shut-in." Can’t win at Chutes & Ladders! Cheer him up with a visit.

Bitter Bierce. Suffering from "early-onset curmudgeon." He can’t be all bad: his favorite music includes the likes of Duke Ellington and Van Morrison. Perhaps merely depressive?

Bitter Cup of Joe. Seems more like "Forlorn in the Kitchen," but what do I know?

The Bitter Stickgirl. It’s a dram-edy in cartoon. Go figure.

Bitter Purl. A bitter knitter? Isn’t this an oxymoron? Advertises "now with 10 percent more bitterness." So sad.

The Bitter Blog. How anyone who claims to have never had a pimple can be bitter, I’ll never know. I guess bitter comes in a shapes and sizes!

Bitter Betty Blogs. She’s the crafty type; don’t buy into her "bitter" hype.

I Pretty Much Hate Everything. Self-proclaimed misanthrope, but don’t believe a word of it. Her optimism is palpable through the moniter.

Bittersweet Me. Touts "dodgy sex and personal anguish found here." Two key ingredients found in bitter.

Bitter Too. Apparently created to capitalize on Obama’s verbal miscue. Reading it will convince you that you are already part of the "bitter" vote.

Had enough? Me too. But let’s remember: you don’t need to hail from Pennsylvania; bitter is a state of mind.

Introducing ‘Sexy Chatty Catty,’ For Whom Some Traditions Ought to Remain Unchanged

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I ALL. I INVITE YOU TO THINK OF ME AS CRABBY’S UNSPOILED BUT SEXIER SIDE DISH.

While I am sure Crabby was watching the Clinton-Obama debate last Wednesday, I was watching America’s Next Top Model. I figure if anything earth shattering happens it will be discussed over and over ad nauseam during the 24/7 news cycle.

You also won’t catch me watching Gossip Girl, CSI or Grey’s Anatomy. I get my kicks from reality, be it lowbrow – Lavor of Love, or highbrow, a la reality’s masterpiece theater– Last Restaurant Standing. I love really cheesy stuff. That’s why I always order extra white stuff on my pizza.

And speaking of cheese, one of my favorite movies is Teen Witch, the ’80s tale of an awkward geek who discovers she descends from witches. Newly awakended to her supernatural powers she begins to aid friends and punish enemies, all the while trying to cast a spell on the most beautiful boy in school. Don’t you wish you had that juice?

If you’ve never sampled this late ’80s snack, check out this rap scene.

If you’re with me so far, you can understand that I am outraged that a remake of Teen Witch is in the works starring somebody named Ashley Tisdale. She’s apparently some teen twit with a new nose who was in that latest Disney lie called The High School Musical. (Cliques never pull together). But I wouldn’t recognize her with or without the new beak. I’m guessing she’s just another dyed blonde.

But Teen Witch IS NOT just another teen movie. It is beloved by Sexy Chatty Catty, and I don’t want it sullied by Disney’s crass commercialism. Why can’t the new generation enjoy the gooey chewy goodness of 100 percent natural American cheese?

Sexy Chatty Catty will comment periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on America’s favorite TV snack foods.

And Friday’s Word Of The Day is "Daft"

APROPOS OF NOTHING, TODAY’S LESSON FROM CRABBYTOWN IS ON THE DEFINITION OF "DAFT."

The Random House College Dictionary, Revised Edition, defines "daft," adj., as

1. insane; crazy.

2. Simple or foolish.

3. Scot. merry; playful; frolicsome. Derived from the Middle English word ‘dafte’ meaning uncouth, awkward; earlier meaning; gentle, meek. As compared to "deft," adj., meaning "dexterous; nimble;skillful; clever."

Let’s use the word in a sentence, shall we? "I’m sorry it must be said, but George Bush Jr. is daft to think he was worthy of being president." Very good, class.

Some contemporary usages include "Daft Punk," a reference to a post-punk French duo making electronic music for the 21st Century. Initially the techno-pop twosome wore masks or robotic disguises due to shyness, but the practice morphed them into "superheroes" for their human fans.

The band inspired "Daft Bodies", a YouTube sensation (you can activate above) showing two boxed-headed nymphettes dancing to the techno-pop’s song, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger." And, frankly, the shameful excuse for this post. There are other notable YouTube tributes to the techno-popsters, but no peers in Crabby’s judgment.

How do I know this? I rely on those crazy kids over at Hey, Be Us! to keep me informed, who when not posting on the web are helping to eradicate racism in the world. Check them out!

On a completely different note, other crazy kids, these found at the University of Pennsylvania’s Daily Pennsylvanian endorsed Hillary Clinton because they think she’s the can-do candidate. In other words, she’s "harder, better, faster, stronger."

Philadelphia, America’s birthplace of Independence, is showing that steely trait again! Out of 50 student newspaper endorsements, all but five have endorsed Barack Obama. Crabby suspects the endorsement presages the outcome of next Tuesday’s Keystone state primary. But then again, who won’t be surprised?

Once A Suspect, Always a Suspect: Feds Plan to Take DNA From Detained Foreigners, Americans

PERHAPS THIS IS SOME PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WAY REPUBLICANS ARE PLANNING TO KEEP IMMIGRANTS OUT OF THE COUNTRY WITHOUT BUILDING EXPENSIVE WALLS or waging a messy political battle.

Using authority given by Congress, the FBI plans to collect DNA from detained foreigners, as well as any American connected to a federal crime, whether or not they have been charged. The practice alarms civil libertarians who see the move as further encroachment on our civil rights under the current political regime.

Current policy allows DNA collection through a cheek swab only from convicted felons.

The policy builds on the practice of 13 states who already collect DNA from those arrested and then turn over the data to the federal government, according to the Washington Post. "Innocent people don’t belong in a so-called criminal database," Tania Simoncelli, science adviser for the American Civil Liberties Union, told the Post. "We’re crossing a line." The Associated Press reported Wednesday that "the new regulation would mean that the federal government could store DNA samples of people who are not guilty of any crime," said Jesselyn McCurdy of the ACLU. The new rule does not allow samples to be taken from legal immigrants or those being processed for admission unless arrested.

Of course, Crabby thinks that the entire notion of privacy is quaint in the age of the Internet, genetics testing, wireless technology and satellites. For chrissakes, Google Map is capturing people’s pets in their windows and showing closeups of homes, prompting at least one couple to sue claiming their privacy was violated. In the lawsuit filed earlier this month, a Pennsylvania couple say they bought their home in late 2006 partly because of its secluded location marked as a "private road." But surely we can just dismiss them as just some bitter Keystone state kooks?

Whichever Democrat takes the keys from our Court Jester, George Bush Jr., is surely going to have a lot of cleaning up to do. Let’s not forget that the world is still waiting for America to reinstate habeas corpus for persons being held without being charged with a crime. One example of the outrageous practice: AP photographer Bilal Hussein, a Pulitzer-Prize winning newsman, was released by the U.S. military Wednesday after spending two years in an Iraqi jail despite never having been charged with a crime.

Such is the Amerika of the 21st Century. We are losing friends around the world, and January 20th cannot come soon enough.