Chris Crocker: "Crazy" Like A Fox. Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That

PARDON THE PUN, but in this incredibly shrinking world Chris Crocker has become a flaming star. If you are reading this in all likelihood you know who Chris Crocker is: defender of the "fat" Britney; promoter of "edutainment,"; self-appointed new philosopher for the YouTube generation.

Chris Crocker gained instant notoriety this week when he posted an impassioned plea on YouTube to "Leave Britney Alone!" As of 6:56 a.m. Thursday morning, the video had been viewed 3,537,314 times since it was posted two days earlier. Not bad for a 19-year-old who declares obliguely on his YouTube profile that "The game is positivity. I believe the best way to to educate and spread positivity is through entertainment, which translates to edutainment. Which just so happens to be my speciality."

The last part is crystal clear: Since signing on to YouTube last February, "Chris Crocker" has posted 66 videos which, in their totality, have been viewed a whopping 20,173,938 times as of 6:36 a.m. September 13. Not bad reach for kid who made his debut just six months ago. Quick, someone sign this talent to MTV! Producers could then help him buff the chasm between his two self-proclaimed personas, one being "The New Christ," the other being "The Queen of Ghetto." (Or perhaps Chris knows something about Jesus Christ that I haven’t heard before? Or maybe he’s referring to Jesus’ love of the downtrodden?)

The now-dead media savant Marshall McLuhan declared famously of TV that "the medium is the message." If he were alive, I wonder what he would say about the Internet. McLuhan’s insight about TV’s power has now become a truism about the web too. Once we dreamed about traveling the world in 80 days; 80 seconds is all it takes on YouTube. I imagine it’s only weeks if not days before new media company is producing a "Best Of Chris Crocker CD," to be available soon afterwards through NetFlix.

In one of his earlier videos, Chris gives a tantalizing lecture on the meaning of "normal," in which he scorns conformity. "I’d rather be called crazy,” he says. "In this day and age, crazy is a compliment. … Normal is like calling me a cunt. Don’t call me that. If you call me normal, I’m gonna knock-ya, sock-ya. But if you call me crazy, I’m going to say, "You’re sweet."

Chris, you’re crazy, and I mean it in the nicest way possible.

Britney Spears: A Lesson in Classism and the Media

EVERYONE’S GETTING a cheap laugh at the expense of Britney Spears’ umpteenth so-called comeback, this one at the VMA Music Awards over the weekend where she lip-synched her latest single "Gimme More." A lot of critics and bloggers denigrate the falling starlet for looking fat and slow and self-conscious. Compared to who? I challenge every journalist and blogger who wrote about Britney being fat: post a picture of yourself in a bikini next to Brit’s and see who gets the "fat" award. I dare you. Come on, you sharks won’t be happy until the young girl’s slit her wrists.

The media has taken to reporting on Britney like she’s some traffic wreck. Here’s what she really is: a young girl barely in her 20s with too much money, two beautiful toddlers, a pretty hanger-on of an exhusband; and a stage mother who sent her off to wear Mickey Mouse ears when she was barely in her teens. No wonder she didn’t get an education, ya’ll!!!! (That one’s for you, TMZ) Blame that on her being her family’s meal ticket at an early age. To echo Jodie Foster’s recent comments about Lindsey Lohan: Where is her mother? Why did Brit’s mother feed her to the vultures at such a young age and then turn on her when she had the audacity to take control of her own life?

Now Britney is left to doggie paddle in Hollywood’s pool of slime all by herself. What she needs is a strong agent like Pat Kingsley who can put the fear of God in the media and maybe Britney herself. She needs guidance from someone who doesn’t need or care about her money. Maybe Jodie Foster can mentor the little lost girl. Jodie recently commented on Hollywood’s exploitation of young girls for financial gain. "When I was their age, there were no big 18-year-old stars. Now, we want the 17-year-olds so we can bleed them for all they’re worth and squeeze as much money as we possibly can out of them - and then their career will be over in something like three years." But these standards, Britney is a survivor.

To paraphrase Britney, "Back off bitches." Go pick on someone who can afford the fight, like Oprah.

The Curious Charm of Narcissists and Sociopaths

THE WORLD is full of fools who believe with great certitude that they know, can know, the interior lives of celebrities and others. To fill their own coffers, the media fulfills these fantasies with articles about the "perfect couple" or the "perfect family," now-divorced love birds Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston case in point. But there are dozens, if not hundreds, of stories in which the "saintly" mother or the "loving" husband whose child or spouse have gone missing are ultimately fingered for murder.

This reality comes to mind as Gerry and Kate McCann flee Portugal and return to England declaring that they would never have hurt their "lovely daughter Madeleine." The two physicians have been put on the defensive by Portuguese authorities who have named the couple as suspects in their 3-year-old’s disappearance. Friends and family members are adamant that the McCanns would never ever hurt their children. No matter that they are the kind of people who would leave their three children unattended while they dine elsewhere with friends. Murder and neglect are not the same thing, after all.

But I would caution those same friends and family members: wait for the evidence. The wide-eyed Madeleine has been missing four whole months. The McCanns were only fingered as suspects last week, after a redoubled effort to collect forensic evidence reportedly led to the finding of blood in the hotel room from which the child went missing.

I’ve watched this case unfold in the worldwide media as J.K. Rowling and Richard Branson and even the Pope were touched by the search for Madeleine. I have read about Kate’s distress, the couple’s vow to never leave Portugal without their daughter, and their plaintive pleas to some phantom pedophile who stole off with their daughter in the night. But the only only thing I know for sure about the McCanns is this: they are the parents of three children, they are both doctors, and they left their children ages 3 and under in a room alone one night in Praia da Luz.

I’m in no rush to believe anything else. For I’ve seen firsthand and read too much about the charm of the narcissist and the sociopath, empty individuals who feel nothing toward others except entitlement. Who can lie, charm, cheat, and avoid responsibility with the widest of smiles. Check out the symptoms of these creeps, then smile that you are the wiser, and come to a judgement on the guilt or innocence of the McCanns based on evidence. That’s what I’m planning to do.

Awww, isn’t Brad Mr. Nice Guy? (Except when he’s dumping his wife and playing sociopaths)

That God’s gift to the camera Brad Pitt has been spotted frolicking in public all over the globe during the last three weeks. He’s visited New Orleans to promote his "green" project, touted solar and other non-electrical power on NBC’s Today Show; appeared at Chicago’s Field Museum with some stick figure and a few wee ones in tow; went carriage-riding in Central Park with Zahara; then a baseball game with ‘Mad’ I, first adopted son Maddox, and ‘Mad II,’ otherwise known as Mr. Spike Lee, filmmaker.

I should be grateful to see the snaps of Your Handsome. But for some reason I’m getting cranky. Hmmm, let me thing about this for a minute. Is there a reason Mr. Brad wants us all to think of him as Mr. Nice Guy? Could it be because he wants us all to run out and see his new movie "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford."? I’m sure Braddie Boy hopes that his good deeds land a bigger box office than Saint Angelina’s did with her performance in "A Mighty Heart." Try as the media did to get viewers out to pay homage to one of their own, the movie grossed $4 million in its opening weekend. And nary a nasty word from the media big boys. It pays to be pretty and well connected and to earn those boys money when they post your picture!

On another entirely different note, seems Senator Larry Craig (and not the Larry alleged to have done nasty deeds with former media pariah of the moment, Howard Stern of Anna Nicole fame) is rumored to be considering fighting the allegation that he solicited an undercover cop for sex in a Minnesota airport. Yes, yes, yes. I want to see this happen: His career is over no matter what. But just think of what he’ll do to quash such arrests in the future. I want to hear testimony from the "experts" that playing footsie and waving underneath a toilet stall is indisputable evidence of solicitation for sex. I want this example of lawlessness to go to a jury trial, and I want to hear some jury foreman say, "Yes, a wave underneath the john is evidence of a crime." I think Mr. Craig might be on to something as he solicits opinion by releasing his trial balloon on an abrupt change of hear to quit the Senate. Do us all a favor, Senator, will you? Now that you’re out of the closet, or at least out of the stall, please follow Arlen Spector’s advice. (God love this Republican. And why is he a Republican? Doesn’t he know there is no such thing any longer as a moderate Republican?" )

Two Larrys Accused of Gay Sex All the Buzz

Two Larrys are making headlines for allegedly partaking in or wanting gay sex. Does this mean it’s a slow news cycle? Or has the definition of news (fallen) changed dramatically?

Soon-to-be ex-Senator Larry Craig has resigned his Congressional seat after more than 25 years of public service. All because another "public" official, this one much farther down in the government pay scale but with a badge, claims the Senator played footsie with him in an airport bathroom. While the Republicans have ostracized Craig, his children allege to see the truth in their father’s eyes and back up his claim that he is not gay. I’m sure we have yet to hear the final chapter of this story.

Yes, yes, I know the Republicans have to feed a stalwart Party man to the Religious Right when the issue is gay sex. And yea, yea, you’re not gay Senator Craig. Say whatever you want about either of these talking points. But the biggest "What the Fu-!@" to me is that there are law enforcement officers staking out public restrooms in search of men allegedly looking for gay sex. What planet do we live on? I wonder how that guy justifies his living. When did this type of entrapment become okay?

Keeping Senator Craig company is Larry Birkhead, daddy to Anna Nicole Smith’s love child DannieLynn. I don’t even want to type the much- repeated promotional blurb for MSNBC’s former barking seal Rita Cosby. Suffice is to say that Larry was allegedly caught with his pants down in the company of former arch nemesis and competition Howard Stern. Someone’s blowing something with this story but I’m not sure it isn’t just hot air. I guess we’ll have to wait 10 years for the fallout of this libel suit to see who wins this one.

In the meantime, professional prevaricators Tony Snow and Karl Rove take their leave from the White House. May they rest in the peace outside the public eye.

Britney, We Thank Thee

ONCE again Britney shows her rosy rump cheeks. In his bid to get full custody, Fed-Ex’s acolytes claim he’s motivated by his young sons’ wellbeing and not by Brit’s residuals. A Republican Senator is outed as hypocrite after educating a nation on the nuances of soliciting gay sex in public bathrooms. And now the nation’s number one Cowboy Bush seeks to protect the very communication companies that enabled his rough riding over Americans’ civil rights post 9/11. (Quick, someone search donations to the RNC!)

Welcome to CrabbyGoLightly! Where power and celebrity are viewed between slitted eyes. Where the naive are encouraged to embrace the dark truth: not everything you read is true and photos do too lie. Didn’t your mother teach you anything? In her own raw WAY WE HAVE TO THANK Britney for keeping things real. Hers is not a derriere that has been shaped by hours spent on the Stairmaster. Despite her codependence on the paparazzi, her in-your-face panty- less shenanigans remind us all she’s only human. Because of her, the liposuction-less among us can walk more safely. Thanks for that Britney.