PARTY OF ONE

Watch Miley Cyrus Wop In A Horse Onesie

By Elizabeth C.

MILEY PROVES HER BONAFIDES AS PURE PARTY STARTER IN her unitard wiggling performance uploaded to Facebook. Is it a welcome home party of one for Liam?

Just a day after she tweeted a photo of herself wearing her engagement ring from Liam Hemsworth, the Party In The USA singer released a video of her wiggling and striking a pose to J Dash and Flo Rida’s dance WOP. But wait — was there a line edited in for her? The recording sounds like it starts with the phrase “been away too long” — words which ain’t a part of the regular published lyrics. I don’t think I’ve ever liked her better.

SAY IT ISN’T SO

Ryan Gosling Breaks Hearts By Planning Break From Acting

By Elizabeth C.

A SAD MIX-UP HAS OCCURRED in letters sent from La La Land’s Office Of The Overexposed: Ryan Gosling mistakenly intercepted a communiqué intended for Beyonce.

America’s first democratically elected “Sexiest Man Alive” has announced that he’s taking a break from acting because he wants a “break” from himself.

“’ve been doing [acting] too much,’ the Gangster Squad actor told the Associated Press.

CHARGED BY ‘ HUNG’ JURY

Jon Hamm’s Commando Penis Put Under House Arrest On Mad Men Set

By Elizabeth C.

JON HAMM’S PENIS IS GETTING A RISE OUT OF THE MAD MEN CREW.

Hamm’s hammer is legendary among bloggers for its swaggering ways. Mr. Penis is always insisting on going commando — on paparazzi, during walks in the city — and now most disturbing among the Mad Men cast.

SHE ANSWERS TO KING KANYE

All Signs Point To Trouble: Is Kim Kardashian Under Kanye’s Thumb?

By Elizabeth C.

SNIFF SNIFF, IS ANYBODY ELSE starting to feel sorry for Kim Kardashian?

The buxom plasticizied star who found fame from a sex tape is now knocked up with Kanye’s kid. Which by itself doesn’t sound so bad. Kim’s got back and Kanye’s got the bills, so together they’ve got the full package, right?

Except, as Kim grows wider every day, new stories emerge that having Yeezy’s baby sound like a total drag.

The latest buzz is that Kanye is considering the name “North” for his tyke because it sounds good with his last name, if by good you mean halfway between north and west on a compass.

FUTURE LOOKING

Farsighted? Justin Timberlake Confirms Followup to 20/20 Experience Arrives November

By Jacob Wittich

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CONFIRMS RUMORS that he plans to release a second part of his new album, The 20/20 Experience, which makes ya wonder if maybe he didn’t have perfect vision after all?

“I need to clear up a rumor,” The Hollywood Reporter quotes JT at his album release party last night. “This whole thing about this being the first half of the album is true.”

THIRD DEGREE BURN

Selena Gomez Snarks On Late Show About Making Justin Bieber ‘Cry’

By Elizabeth C.

EWWWW, BURN!Selena Gomez showed up at David Letterman’s shop looking hot and sexy as a propos a young starlet promoting her spicy role in the upcoming Spring Breakers. And while there Dave naturally turned the conversation toward her breakup with Justin Bieber.

“Now I remember last time you were here you were with a Justin Bieber,” Letterman said.

“I was with a Justin Bieber,” the former Disney star corrected?

“Yeah, you were with a Justin Bieber. And that’s not going on now,” Dave commented.

“No, I’m single. I’m so good,” Selena answered.

QUEEN B**CH

Beyoncé Demands Us All To Bow Down

By Jacob Wittich

WHO RUNS THE WORLD? Beyoncé. Now bow down, b***hes.

The Bey Hive buzzed with excitement when the Queen Bey surprised the world by dropping a new song on her Tumblr yesterday.

Bow Down / I Been On features the same aggressive style fans are familiar with from her previous works like Diva and Run the World (Girls)” yet contains an urban element not always present in Beyoncé’s music.

Sings Bey: I took some time to live my life, but don’t think I’m just his little wife. Don’t get it twisted, get it twisted, this my sh-t, bow down, b***hes,” Beyoncé sings aggressively over the up-tempo high-pitched track.

TORTURING US WITH SUSPENSE

Emma Watson Will Not Indulge Your Spanking Fantasies, Thank You Very Much

By Elizabeth C.

BREAKING HEARTS OF S&M AFFICIANADOS WORLDWIDE, EMMA WATSON denies that she’s been signed to star as Anastasia Steele in the big-screen adaptation of 50 Shades Of Grey.

“Who here actually thinks I would do ’50 Shades of Grey as a movie?'” The Harry Potter star tweeted over the weekend. “Like really. For real. In real life.”

Like, for real, it did sound plausible when Anonymous leaked documents indicating that the 22-year-old star would portray the “submissive” Anastasia Steele, described in the series as a college student with “a small frame and a delicate profile, upturned nose, and soft full lips.”

Gwyneth’s Goopy Food Mantra: ‘No Carbs’ For Kids

By Alex Stedman

IF GWYNETH PALTROW WANTS TO PUT HERSELF on a strict diet and write a gluten-free, sugar-free cookbook, that’s fine. However, when she deprives her children of chocolate and cookies, well, that’s when many feel the need to step in.

Apparently, the story goes that Gywneth felt light-headed one day and thought she was having a stroke, which only turned out to be a panic attack. What most would call a mild overreaction triggered an epiphany for her, as she decided to cut out coffee, alcohol, dairy, eggs, sugar, shellfish, deep-water fish, wheat, meat, soy and processed foods from her diet. She also appears to have put her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin and her children, Apple, 8, and Moses, 6, on the same diet.

JUST A COUPLE OF CRAZY KIDS

On The Bright Side, Miley & Liam’s Love Lasted Longer Than Kim Kardashian’s Marriage

By Elizabeth C.

WHILE THE GOSSIP WORLD FAKE-MOURNS THE MELTDOWN OF MILEY CYRUS’ ENGAGEMENT TO LIAM HEMSWORTH, we admit to being impressed and relieved — in that order.

Page Six confirms what everybody’s been thinking since the Hunger Games hunk was seen stepping out with January Jones on Oscar night: the three-year relationship between the two young stars is kaput. At issue allegedly was his wandering eye and her partying.

“Miley and Liam are done; it’s over,” a source told the New York Post. “She likes to party really hard and can be pretty wild. It became a problem for him.”