SELLING CELEBRITY
Tabloid Trash Talk
Ho-Ho-Hum! This Week's Tabs Suffer Post-Holiday Blahs, Plead Guilty to Boring!
IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, KIDS, AND I AM TOO BLOATED ON RICH FOODS AND CHEAP WINE to really give a figgy pudding about what The Celebrities are up to. Luckily the editors of the tabloid weeklies feel the same way. There’s enough unsubstantiated filler in these mags to stuff a turducken, so here's an abbreviated rundown.
IN TOUCH Weekly
On The Cover: “Katie Looks Pregnant!” Inside, Some random members of the audience of All My Sons tell reporters that Katie looks pregnant. That’s pretty much all they’ve got. There are some fun photos of Katie’s last pregnancy. Oh we all can be sure that the mysterious, disappearing vagaries of the much-rumored baby bump will be recycled in the near-too future again!
Up next: Brad and Angelina are adopting another baby and skipping back to southern France. Everyone is worried that Brad can’t cope with more kids. Maybe all of that room in the French mansion will help.
In Touch reports that Britney secretly suffers stage fright. She’s got anti-anxiety meds to take before performances. Remember this information; it will come in handy later.
And J-Lo is treating herself to retail therapy as reports of her marriage collapsing keep coming. The latest tab is alleged to $95,000, that’s a lot of very shiny, sparkly therapy. But she'd probably get more out of the traditional kind where they make you sit down and face your own shit. Much cheapter too!
And this had me knee-slapping! Tila Tequila calls Natalie Portman her role model. Because, she says (heh heh) Natalie Portman reminds her of herself (Muah ha ha ha ha ha.) Because she has so much class and good breeding. But I guess it'd be redundant to mention the idea of regular therapy for a second time in the same post.
STAR
On The Cover: 40 Best & Worst Winter Beach Bodies!
Inside: 12 pages of various celebrities frolicking merrily in swim suits. Hairy Scott Caan gets the title of “Best Reason Not to Manscape” with his freakin Wolfman look. Ewan McGregor is voted “Worst Fish Belly” proving that Star has no concept of what it is to be Scottish. There are also a lot of sexy people in bathing suits but sexy is so boring isn’t it? No? OK, moving on.
And proving that even tabloid vultures take holiday vacations, there's 14 pages of celebrity diet and workout tips that I’m too busy reheating leftovers to really read. And fuck you, Star for trying to make me feel guilty about the four pounds of cookies I’ve eaten over the last week.
Tom Cruise is, hohum, a monster yet again. There’s a secret agreement he forced Nicole Kidman to sign stipulating she would lose rights to their adoptive kids if she didn’t follow his rules or if she ever talked shit about him. Katie might have had to sign a similar agreement. There is going to be a line of angry, bitter people waiting for their book deals the second this little weasel drops dead.
J-Lo and Marc Anthony made a public appearance wearing all of the appropriate jewelry. They went out for dinner but were apparently miserable sitting together. Proof that even celebrities face those marital baby blues.
Life & Style
On The Cover: The return of Robert Pattinson! The Twilight sequel may be in trouble.
Inside: The Twilight kids have been smoking, drinking and partying like, well, movie stars. This new director certainly has his hands full.
Also, remember how In Touch told us Brit’s got stage fright? Well L&S is reporting that it’s actually fear of flying that’s got Brit popping more pills. She’s going to have her own entry in the next edition of the DSMMD.
Reluctant to leave behind so successful a presidency, George Bush & family are not allowing the Obamas to move into one of the White House guest houses in the weeks preceding the traditional January 15th move-in date. Let the baby have his bottle. I am sure there are plenty of other politicians in DC who will gladly have the Prez-Elect bunking in with them for a while! Hell, I’m thinking of buying a condo up there just to offer it to him. Then it can be a historic landmark. I’ll make millions!
Three out of three for Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony: Contrary to what we read earlier in Star, there ARE no marital issues. Everything is just hunky dory, go about your holidays. Whatever, this bores me. I'd vote these two "most likely to make shit up about themselves" just for some measly press coverage. Next!
National Enquirer
On The Cover: More J-Lo making sexy pout and an inset of Marc with his ex-wife. He has apparently run to her instead of facing Jen.
Inside, thank God for stock photos or this story would be nothing but text. Marc had a not-so-secret tryst with his ex after reports of his marriage to Jen started surfacing. Marriage in trouble, Jen wants to escape his dominating nature. Her mom doesn’t like him. Nothing new here. Even the National Enquirer slacks during the holidays. Fa la la la la.
Also, Tony Bennett ruins my fucking Christmas by convincing Rachel Ray not to undergo her throat surgery. Damnit Bennett, you scrooge!
And here's some hot news! Everyone on the planet thinks Oprah Winfrey is a thoughtful, selfless, generous person and that’s why we should all love her. Resistance is futile. But here's the sad part: the saintly persona is painted on and the media know it.
It makes me glad to see how well that whole “family values” thing has worked out for Sarah Palin. Bristol’s soon to be mother-in-law is facing felony drug charges and everyone wants to know what Bristol knows and what she’s done. Wasilla IS the meth capital of the US. It’s 10pm, Sarah. Do you know where your children are?
Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.Permalink
Posted December 29, 2008
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